Are we the kind of parents we WISH we had growing up? And how much of our parenting is driven by our bruised Inner Child?
Our Inner Child is the child we once were. The joyous, in the moment, unconditionally loving, creative and fearless energy full of unlimited potential. MATURITY is often mistaken for ageing, yet becoming an adult doesn't exactly relate to the number of birthday candles.
Rather maturity is all about the healing journey of our wounded, Inner Child.
During our early years of growing up our innocent Child got hurt by people who ( although aged ) were immature. We got hurt by people we loved the most, and so it happens that we hurt those we love the most if we don't heal. Such is the law of karma, the endless pain cycle...
Our parenting style is largely driven by this hurting, scared little Child.
S/he shows up in any situation (we feel) we are loosing control over. We feel POWERLESS whenever our children refuse to follow our instructions.
We worry too much about how we look like in front of others. Falling short of the ideal of a parent we strive to be, we are reminded how powerless and inadequate our Inner Child felt when criticised and reprimanded : 'How do I look like? What kind of a parent am I if I allow such behaviour !?' Our children stomp their feet, and so does our Inner Child who feels largely incompetent, weak... The fight for power is ON, and drama is to ensure, as clash of two little Titans takes place...
Our children repeatedly push our buttons... unless of course, we can re-parent our Inner Child, to truly GUIDE our children into adulthood, modelling the confident, calm, and loving parents. Because our children need a SOUND EXAMPLE - they need us to deliver and walk the talk !
They don't need yet another child ordering them around WITHOUT REASONING. They have plenty of that in a playground. What they need is a leadership with clear boundaries ( not a dictatorship !), to navigate through life on their own.
Dictatorship is oppression, fear and PUNISHMENT, we so readily use to gain power over their free-spirited little souls. We like them to become leaders, yet from an early age we clip their wings rewarding followship, deciding for them. Leadership is faith, freedom, NURTURING. Faith in their own abilities, to choose freely who they like to be. Our most important role is nurturing their talents. Our children need gentle correction, not scalding. They most certainly DON'T need name calling, shaming, or put downs for not getting things 'right'. Because that is precisely the language of OUR broken Child which will most definitely break THEM.
And we know how that hurts, don't we ?
Our insecure, bruised and hurting part of us, our Ego, comes out in highly emotionally charged moments. Those moments our children are experts in creating. Why ? Because they remind us of just how 'stupid, bad, not enough, or too much' WE were as children, and still are...
When those buttons are pushed, our Inner Child screams in pain as our old emotional wounds bleed. We are reminded yet again how desperate we felt when our carers punished us physically, mentally and emotionally...
When our children 'fail' at something, we are reminded of our FAILURE as children.... and as parents...
We shout at our children who ( we feel ) are 'out of control'. We tell them to 'stop screaming' whilst ALLOWING our little immature Self scream at them.
But who is really out of control here ?? And why are our children so 'naughty'...?
Why are we so PETTY correcting them all the time, wanting them to be 'perfect'? Does their 'imperfection' remind us much of our INADEQUATE Selves?
We want them to be kind and polite, yet we are often rude and unkind to them.
We like them to do well and live a happy life, something we quite often failed miserably at (!), only because our Inner Child is left feeling unhappy, betrayed, abandoned...
Do we really want them to follow in our footsteps towards misery...?
Children are so pure and unconditionally loving. They are our TICKET to adulthood. By coaching them WE have a unique opportunity to coach our Inner Child to maturity. They teach us so much by the way they perceive the world - with no filters and as it really is. Nothing is impossible and everything is a wonder, MAGIC. They are so naturally intelligent and wise, yet we call them 'silly and naive'.
We see them as nuisance, yet through our interaction with them we can heal. Calling them little devils we fail to see they are our angels in disguise...
We want them to become 'perfect' by the definition of our broken Self yet they arrived in our lives pure perfection.
We pay for their education, wanting them to 'learn' because they 'don't know nothing', or because 'WE know better'. They give us rare opportunity for maturation, yet we call them 'immature' ?
Their untarnished nature teaches us creativity and joy every time they invite our Inner Child to play with them. They teach us curiosity when asking endless questions. They show us unconditional love and forgiveness every time they forgive us for being unkind to them. They model happiness and living in the moment every time they smile for no apparent reason. They show us spontaneity and freedom of expression whenever they dance or sing like no one is watching...
So next time you are on a parental duty, let your child lead you. Stay in the moment looking into his/her eyes. You may catch a glimpse of the you you are deep down longing to be...
Dedicated to my greatest teacher, my 5 year old son. Love you always Nyan ! X
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Copyright © 2016 Michaela Patel