UNVEILING THE PARALLELS BETWEEN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS WITH ABUSERS AND CULT EXPERIENCES
- Michaela Patel
- May 1
- 12 min read
Updated: May 2
On my journey of recovering my true Self from years of covert manipulation by someone I trusted with my life, aka getting my PhD in mindfuckery, it was almost impossible to avoid bumping into the topic of cults.
Intrigued how is it possible to hook so many people into destroying their own lives, I've jumped down the rabbit hole of malignant narcissism. I studied the craft of some of world's most prominent mass manipulators and what distinguishes them from the garden variety of a common narc, who looks like a harmless tosser in comparison. I was well aware of veering into the territory of sociopathy and psychopathy. As frightening as it was, their profound inability to see others as human beings with feelings (while possessing an insatiable need to control them), combined with their delight in duping them, fascinated me. Having zero empathy and conscience, hence the propensity for sadism and doing things which defy all they are typically preaching, makes cult leaders extremely focused and ruthless in achieving their goals. The ultimate goal of a guru is to be seen as above everyone else (God), adored and worshipped by as many people as possible. The more people these expert con artists dupe, the more untouchable and above law they think they are. I also observed that the more they get away with in the course of their reign, the more delusional they become, which eventually contributes to their fall from grace.
Cult leaders command the space and demand loyalty of their followers who are made to feel wrong for criticising the leader's actions. If they are to remain part of the community of like minded people, the followers are required to obey higher orders for the good of the group's mission sold to them as the only truth by the leader. As time goes on, the followers' boundaries and self-protective instincts are systematically eroded and ultimately broken down to expose their vulnerabilities used as weapons against them. The leader tests the loyalty of the followers by asking them to engage in activities which initially don't resonate with them but are gaslit into. The manipulator's greatest tool for shaping the minds of the community is, on one hand appearing generous and inclusive, but on the other hand instilling fear of being excluded from a place they call home. Facing the latter is particularly painful if they've experienced less than ideal family life and established strong bonds (true or false) with people inside the community. The charismatic leader has a knack for spotting a vulnerable soul in a desperate need of validation and is well aware of the power of carefully dispensed affection. By cleverly wrapping lies around common truths, whilst punishing curiosity and inquisition, the guru makes it impossible for the followers to critically evaluate the cult's ideology. Being gaslit every time they try to gain clarity, the followers end up totally trapped in situations they think they themselves created, deep down ashamed of things they went along with, but scared to leave.
If you think you could never end up in a cult, I urge you to read on as you could, like me, very easily be in one right now. No kidding! The cult leader is an expert reader of your body language, with a knack for exploiting your deepest human desires and the need for safety provided through leadership, better still when coupled with the promise of fulfilling your personal life purpose. Cult like communities are everywhere, from structured self-help enterprises to tight knit companies or religious organisations. All promising to take your life to the next level if you sign up and submit to their mission. In an intimate relationship, this isn't much dissimilar. A woman, for example, feels her purpose in becoming a mother, with a mission to build a family (her mini-community) in the safety of the couple's cosy home. Read on how was this desire of mine exploited here.
Scouring the web for answers, listening to podcasts with people with direct experiential knowledge, and watching investigative documentaries on the subject, it occurred to me how many striking similarities are there between someone living in a cult and an individual stuck in an intimate relationship with an abuser-manipulator. The premise is the same: To control and dominate another. Cult leaders effortlessly pull the strings from behind the scenes, with abuse treckling down many participants through a pyramid. The cult's inner circle is a smaller group of people who have been brainwashed the hardest by its cunning leader. From my observation, they tend to exhibit various personality disorders and had to prove themselves to the leader by showing unwavering loyalty. The inner circle participants then have their own groups of others most loyal to them whom they manipulate in order to feel poweful.
Coercive control perpetrated against an intimate partner within a family dynamic is called domestic abuse. A cult is an abuse pyramid scheme with coercive control perpetrated against a group of people within it. As a structure it is more sophisticated, and so are its abusive tactics.
In our society, there are cults within other cults. Take women for example, who are stuck with an abuser-manipulator (aka coercive controller) who exploits them for free labour and childcare, financially and sexually, who are simultaneously controlled and exploited by their culture or religious community to marry, act and dress a certain way, etc. These women haven't got much choice, as if they were to stand up to their abusers they would have to face losing literally everything - their family, their home, their children, their identity and their life purpose.
Personally, it made me realise how culty was my own family, and how particularly insidious were the dynamics of the family I later married into. I was able to draw parallels between cults and my own experiences with a coercively controlling partner which I highlighted below. In combination, they are the signature of someone messing with your head hard, either directly or through someone else.
Hierarchy.
In a cult you are required to complete steps towards success (educational/spiritual/self-help program) which exploits your desire for success and inclusion. At best you are rewarded, at worst you are criticised and feel never good enough which motivates you to please the teacher. You look up to the leader with utmost respect hanging on their every word while you are always in one down position, grateful to bask in their light. The leader has certain privileges no other member has, and exhibits behaviours that wouldn't be tolerated coming from you.
In a relationship you are required to get better at serving your partner by keeping home clean, kids looked after, always cook food he likes, yet feel mostly under-appreciated. Due to the incessant nit picking, you are driven to prove yourself to your partner, hanging on their kind words. Praying they will be in good mood, you come to believe you are in control of their emotions and responsible for fixing the problems in your relationship by changing your behaviour. Through experiencing repeated put downs, you feel privilledged to keep such partner because you don't feel you deserve their love.
Hierarchy is all about putting someone else on the pedestal, which represents the inequality of power that leads to exploitation.
Secrecy.
In a cult you are initiated into an inner circle of valued members, which plays into your desire to feel special to be the chosen one. To prove your worth, you are asked to do shady/illegal/shameful things but swear to keep them private, for example by signing an NDA. It further cements your [trauma] bond to the community and the leader, making you believe these sacrifices are necessary to fulfilling the mission.
In a relationship, although you aren't happy and even if you are aware you are being abused, you are encouraged to keep things private and pretend to the rest of the family all is well. Partly this isn't difficult because you feel ashamed to disclose how things really are. Additionally, you may be encouraged to go along with the shady financial stuff in support of your partner, thinking it secures the future of your family.
Secrecy enables abuse by perpetuating trauma and shame.
Labour exploitation.
In a cult you are being required to sacrifice your time and resources for the higher vision to achieve the mission you have signed up for. Cult leaders have a high degree of paranoia which makes them inherently distrustful. You are asked to graft for free and made to feel privileged you can do so knowing your leader, who seems to pick his or her closest carefully, has trust in you.
In an intimate relationship, you are required to work towards the goals which seem chosen equally, but really dictated by the needs and aspirations of the dominator.
The inequality of labour perpetuates hierarchy and normalises abuse.
The inequality of power in an intimate relationship. Financial abuse.
In a cult you are asked to turn over your money in order to 'purify your life of wealth', or the access to your wealth may be controlled and the access to the shared resources limited, all depending on the mercy of the leader but disguised as things being in your best interest.
In a relationship you are unfairly asked to cover various household expenses. You may have limited access to money, making you financially dependant on the abuser, or being made the sole provider of the household.
Financial abuse grows the perpetrator's power and options in restricting the victim's freedom.
Future faking and cognitive dissonance.
In a cult you are promissed to reach enlightenment/merge with God/achieve nirvana, meet a soulmate, or become fulfilled and successful. Your desire for fulfilling a higher purpose in life is exploited, feeding into escaping from reality as is. You will resort to airbrushing things and paint them in a different light in order to avoid feeling the distress of cognitive dissonance (aka mindfuck). On the outside things seem normal, but inside you feel very distressed, suffering from mental health issues from having to constantly ignore your emotional truth.
In a relationship you are promised the life you've always wanted but experience it otherwise, leading to you forgiving, forgetting, explaining and masking the unpleasant bits to cope with the distress, desperately needing things to look good to the outside world.
Confusion creates an unsafe environment, paradoxically pushing the victim closer towards the abuser.
Love bombing.
On entering a cult, or whenever your leader feels they may lose you, you are excessively validated, which makes you fall in love with the leader and their mission. When the guru suddenly, unpredictably and unfairly, switches to devaluating you by being critical of you, you convince yourself it must be your fault. Due to their charm and charisma the leader managed to distort how you view yourself and your capabilities, while growing your traumatic attachment to him or her, forcing you to do more and better. It is how you end up trapped in a self-sustained loop for infinite exploitation.
On entering an intimate relationship you are made to feel ecstatic, overwhelmed with love, adoration and attention. Your partner is everything you wish them to be, but at some point into a relationship they switch to being unhappy with you, which makes you confused because you haven't changed. You think it is your fault and try harder next time to make them happy, anxious for their acceptance to return. Eventually, you are being controlled by their mood and facial expressions alone, walking on egg shells and anticipating problems.
Love bombing creates confusion and normalises trauma by setting the ever moving bar of what is acceptable.
Violation of boundaries.
In a cult, the leader is constantly testing your limits of how far can you be pushed, gauging your potential for future exploitation. You may be asked to stay up late or wake up at unreasonable hours which leads to sleep deprivation. Exhaustion further enables abuse simply because you are not with it and cannot think clearly. You are also less resistant to being coerced into doing things you would otherwise have energy to critically evaluate and recognise to later regret.
In an intimate relationship, your limits are tested by your abuser mixing love with pain, you are asked to look after the children all the time, having to juggle running the household without a respite. During conflict you may be forced to continue arguing late into the night, which makes you finally cave in and apologise to them, not daring to bring up your future grievances knowing full well the pushback you will face.
Boundary violation normalises abuse and enables exploitation.
Brainwashing and Isolation.
In order to align with the cult leader and their thinking to achieve the promised mission, you are required to repeatedly abandon and neglect your needs. This element is crucial for you to disconnect and distrust your authentic self, your emotions and how things align on the inside, making you more pliable. In the process of brainwashing, your mind will be rid of your own opinions and true desires in order to make space for theirs. You will be stripped of alliances with trusted others, like friends and family, becoming isolated and loyal to a fault. Your loyalty will require you to violate the boundaries of others to prove yourself and be in the leader's good graces.
This isn't dissimilar to an intimate relationship where the mentality of us vs. them is also pushed onto you. The abusers will force you to align with their ideas and life goals while distorting your view of yourself by repeated criticism, devaluating your abilities, to justify their maltreatment of you.
Brainwashing normalises trauma and perpetuates abuse.
Skilled manipulators exploit the qualities in you they themselves don't possess: Your patience and optimism, your heightened emotional awareness and empathy, your conscience and loyalty. They pray on your need for safety by instilling fear, promising to save you. Offering to lead you, they incessantly feed into your self-doubt because then you are more likely to follow them. And once you fully identify with the ideology, you are no longer able to critically evaluate it because the moment you critique it you are in a direct conflict with everything you stand for.
Exploitative relationships will ask you to relinquish control and submit to the ideology by abandoning your identity and leaving your defences at the door.
At the heart of manipulation is always a promise with the potential to better our life. Be it the picture of the family we've always dreamed of, the large house on the hill, great body, or a spiritual enlightenment, manipulators have been forever exploiting our need for seeking a trusting authority. Therefore, we must actively work on preserving our identity within the space of any relationship. Because the moment our identity becomes THE relationship, THE job, THE religion, THE mission, it’s going to be very easy for us to take things personally when it is scrutinised and very hard to leave when things go awry.
Toxic folks are very good at stripping you off your identity for you to become who they want you to become. They will convince you without batting an eye lid about who you should be if you want to stay in their graces. If beside your identity attached to a relationship with an individual or a company you have no identity of your own, leaving such relationship will mean turning your back on everything that you have become: A mixed bag of positives and negatives. In the midst of all the confusion being actively pumped into you, it is almost impossible to be discerning, which is why leaving it all of it behind is so painful.
No one, and I repeat no one, has the right to comment on your body shape and size, on the clothes you wear and how you choose to comb your hair, or what you choose to eat. Those are your own personal choices, no one should feel they’ve got the license to manage. And if they do, be very aware!
Abusers press on our boundaries and cross them particularly in those areas that trigger us. They are well aware of the discomfort they are causing us. By evoking a reaction, they are free to spin the story and narrative against us. Knowing where our boundaries are, by listening to our discomfort, constitutes a really important part of self-care and self love. Trying to push something onto another, knowing full well how uncomfortable they are, is a crucial part of creating an unequal power dynamic within a relationship. Abusers will purposely talk about things which are uncomfortable, by joking about things that are not to be joked about, or engaging with us physically in a way painful to us. For example, a shockingly uncomfortable statement, wrapped in a joke designed to soften the blow, instills confusion about whether the person really meant it, or not, and why.
If you are wondering about someone's character because of the number of contradictions and double standards, it is highly likely your are being abused. I urge you to investigate this further.
Beware of committing to an idea, rather than being faithful to your authenticity. Be it the ideal of your partner (his or her potential which doesn't quite show up), the idea of a marriage (what it could or was meant to look like but doesn't), or the picture of a happy family (which isn't so happy when others aren't looking). Our mind is very good at attaching itself to a future possibility - an easily created yearning one is able to sacrifice everything for. Our mind’s way of dealing with incongruencies in our reality, in order to feel stable and secure in a world which is quite the opposite, is to make it fit by explaining it to ourselves. By excusing others and otherwise airbrushing what is difficult to reconcile with. In fact, when we are surrounded by toxicity, manipulation, and abuse, we are more likely to attach ourselves to ideals to escape such destabilising environment.
Being drawn to confident, decisive people, at times we like to relinquish our responsibilities and welcome someone adding structure, and predictability, to our lives. Yet, many of us have wisened up to how truly tragical can giving our power away be to our sense of self and wellbeing. At last, we have stopped looking for salvation in others and returned to ourselves by providing space for our feelings, lending voice to our inner compass of what feels right. The silver lining of having been brainwashed is becoming shame resilient. Having had to push through it to get to the other side, we have realised that losing dreams and identity isn't the end of the world but could, in fact, be the beginning of a much happier chapter of our lives. The kind of life we have always wanted but didn't trust we are capable of pulling off: One that is authentically and unapologetically ours.
Mission accomplished!
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2025 Michaela Patel
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