NAVIGATING CO-PARENTING AFTER LEAVING AN ABUSER-MANIPULATOR FROM A VICTIM PARENT'S PERSPECTIVE - PART 1

The impact of the lack of parental cooperation on children.

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Having had little or no emotional, practical, and financial support, in all my bewilderment and sorrow I finally took a leap of faith in what my gut was telling me and left my partner.

I felt weirdly torn because part of me still loved the person who he sometimes was, but who simultaneously caused me so much pain. I knew I had to leave him, yet agonised over losing the idea of life we were building together which I, for so long, tried to fix. I hate to give up on people I love. It felt like I let me down. Being the tenatious, conscientious, and truly caring person this isn't what I wanted. It felt like I was cutting my own limb off: It was excruciatingly painful and desperate, yet deep down I knew it's got to be done. When, years of post separation, I learned the term 'trauma bond' I finally understood why I was still illogically drawn back to the idea of us being back together and in a good place.

'How did I end up here?' I agonised, 'ME, who tried to do everything right for everyone...' I tried so hard. Too hard in fact to love him, to live life the way I thought will make him happy, which in turn I thought will make US happy.

My empathy and emotional connection to the innocent, child-like part of his made me feel like I have betrayed him. Like I have tossed away his vulnerability I have, up until now, guarded with my life. My loyalty to me was breaking my caring heart into millions of pieces.

Mothers with abusive partners will, very early on after birth, realise things are going downhill: With how they are treated as new mothers, and how is their maltreatment impacting the lives of their children. Their post-partum and first year of motherhood becomes a sobering experience due to intensification of their partner's control. The fact that these mothers become naturally more dependant on the fathers for support is used as a leverage for accepting treatment they would otherwise had a chance to walk away from.

Shortly after the birth of my child, it has dawned on me that how I was treated by someone who was meant to protect and care for me wasn't right. I hadn't necessarily cognitively understood how bad things were, nor I knew what was actually going on but I FELT it. I was far from happy from the growing number of disagreements which managed to overshadow the joy of my newly acquired motherhood. If motherhood is hard, motherhood under the thumb of a manipulator is ten fold harder. I was criticised and forced into things I disliked which also involved my child. I was dismissed and invalidated daily with my voice drowning in the sea of opinions of his family. It was a busy household, yet I felt very alone for no one having my back.

I didn't feel safe and couldn't imagine my child being happy with me feeling so profoundly unhappy.

I started to dread how will our unsavoury interactions potentially damage our child. Our disagreements around our son greatly triggered me. My empathy was deep and because I, myself, grew up surrounded by volatile emotions, unpredictability and control, I knew how it feels for a very young child who cannot understand things but feels them nevertheless. Overwhelmed and powerless seeing the people she loves the most repeatedly fighting.

Although I didn't know how I am going to fix things, one thing I was certain about: Our child will not grow up surrounded by negativity, cruelty, and pain. Through all the confusion this was the one thing I was totally clear on. For my son I wanted what I never had, but instinctively felt I rightly deserved. I was determined for him to be happy, free, and safe.

My inner child was crying for help and I could no longer ignore her.

It was at that point my caring, protective nature had turned the tables on my mind's idea of a happy family and took matters in its own hands. I pulled the plug on everything I held dear to me up untill that point and fiercely boarded the wave of swooping uncertainty, having surrendered to where it was taking me. The happiness of my son became my only priority. Everything else was secondary. Sod what everyone else thinks! Sod married life and what it represents!

'Freedom and happiness here we come!' I felt ecstatic once I settled in my new accommodation away from the home that never felt like one. Never mind I knew not how will I scrape for my rental fees.

Leaving my abuser was one thing. Sure, it wasn't easy to confront my preconcieved ideas about how a happy life looks like and face my fears of the future repercussions of breaking our family on our son. (Little did I understand back then how truly broken our family already was.) I came from a broken home and violent parenting. I knew pain and how to handle it. But being forced to co-parent with my son's father has elicited pain and powerlessness I never knew existed.

Even though I finally escaped the pain he shamelessly and sneakily inflicted upon me, having to remain in regular contact felt like his teeth got lodged inside my core deeper than ever.

Ready to rip you open anytime your abuser pleases is terror inducing. Not being able to hide from his incessant attacks feels nauseating, with an overwhelming powerlessness highjacking your newly gained sense of stability. He can throw you off your rocker by a click of his fingers whenever you are not aligned with his wishes. Now, you don't have to give into his demands but if you don't, your child may take the brunt of it. The abuser knows what are your preferences. To punish you he won't agree to things just to make you sweat and fret. Besides, your mind has been conditioned for so long to go along with his preferences it feels truly scary to disagree. Dare to and you will be flooded with crippling anxiety and paranoia triggered by his pushback.

I was called many different names, many times. I was intimidated and harassed through barrage of texts and emails for years. It was only fairly recently I truly understood how his incessant critique of my parenting, and demands for attention with no respite, truly affected my psyche and wellbeing.

You are a prisoner of the war he unleashed against you, nowhere to hide, having no one to defend you. How could they? Your character was assassinated while everyone fell for his mask.

I felt like I won but lost again, just more profoundly this time. The word 'defeated' doesn't do justice to how beaten down you feel knowing the abuse will go on for years to come while you can't do much about it...

Continue to part 2.

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Copyright © 2025 Michaela Patel