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  • Michaela Patel


Lets kick off this New Year with an almost ancient, nevertheless, ever-interesting topic which affects us all. Examining our hidden intents, I aim to peek under the surface of the game of courtship.

a woman flirting with a man

Oftentimes in life, we say and do things because others do them too. Flirting is no exception. Everyone flirts. Even our parents! Which is why we master this skill to get attention very early on in life.

I have witnessed many times how my, then young, son, effortlessly enticed a string of women. From supermarket cashiers, gym receptionists, to nursery teachers. Yes, as children we too were 'so cute'! Discovering our power, we've learnt that we have the ability to charm others by the way we are being. Being heavily dependant on other humans at those vulnerable times, we had to get their attention in order to get what we wanted...

Our flirting skills tend to be more refined if the attention we had received growing up was insufficient.

Have you ever dated a partner who was really charming?

If our carers weren’t lovingly attentive, present, when we needed them most, we had suffered an emotional trauma. As a result of our core wound, we feel unworthy of a loving attention today, fearing we don't deserve it. Our self-esteem is low and we dread others will discover the truth and leave.

How does this fear impact on our ability to create loving relationships? We become driven by our (unhealthy) need to prove the opposite. In order to feel loved and worthy, we need to feel that we are being adored and heard. Charmers know how to play others to get exactly that.

Broadly speaking, to engage in any game we need to know its rules. But we rarely question our flirtatious behaviour, allowing our excitement to take over our logic. When we flirt we convey that we like to play. That we like the fun and games dating can offer. We say ‘Hey sexy!’ There is nothing wrong with being sexy of course, unless our perception of another, and their perception of us, is that simple... Do you want to be seen as an attractive, but empty package?

Some are fine with it, and that is OK! Beware though. With whom might you end up is all you can think off when the fun begins, not laughing when you trip over the deep truth miles apart from the superficial reality. Why? Because you played and lost. You might be lucky if you get recycled, but cannot complain when you are finally disposed of. Because the finale of this kind of game is all about who will trash who first...

chess board
for a player dating is a game

Are you good at spotting a player? How heathy is your self-esteem?

If you feel bad about yourself deep down, insecure, it will be relatively easy for others to manipulate you by making you feel good. You will get quicly addicted to their flattery of 'Aren't you beautiful, smart, lovely...?'. Seasoned manipulators can read your perceived flaws like an open book, adept in scanning and scamming others. So before you decide to throw a flirtatious look at someone, ask yourself:

How do I want to be known to him or her? What do I project by engaging in their game? Am I serious about finding a compatible partner, or do I just want to play and be played?

Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.

Copyright © 2019 Michaela Patel

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