BEING GOOD: HOW WE OVER-FUNCTION IN EARLY DATING

Online dating

Who doesn't want to land in an equal relationship? The desire is almost universal. The ability is not. Because equality is rooted in behaviour, not in what we believe we deserve. Besides, someone's gap in their capacity to create and maintain connection is only exposed with us taking a back seat - something we, capable over-functioners, are largely uncomfortable with.

Inequality in relationships is revealed over time as frequent feelings of one's frustration with their partner, leading to a build up of silent resentment. When relating to our teenage offspring, the dynamics will very much differ from relating to a fully formed adult - our supposed equal. To the dismay of a particular sex, as ferociously debated across the manosphere, a long term over-functioning in intimate relationships leads to a burn out and (surprise-surprise!) a complete loss of libido...

At its core, over-functioning actually stems from one’s anxiety, originating from the need to reduce the tension created during relating by others not stepping up, fulfilling their potential, and adequately meeting life’s challenges. Be it practical tasks of running the household, fulfilling the demands of childcare, or emotionally connecting to another, the over-reaching partner keeps managing the space by filling it up with words and actions. Here they offer an explanation or an advice, there a reminder, taking on tasks others would be (eventually and imperfectly) forced to deliver themselves.

But what if they don’t? Can we step back and let everything fold? Particularly since we've invested so much into it...?

Truly, just how many families would break down if the over-functioning partner suddenly sat back and allowed the other to lead? Indeed, it is a little late and way harder to change the unequal relationship dynamic when it has been established for years. Eventually, something's got to give. And it typically isn't the partner who has already given it their all. Relationships fall apart, and with them those who have lost everything...

"How did we get here?" we often ask ourselves in the midst of the shit storm.

Lets rewind back to where it started for me. On my journey to happiness and authenticity, I started to look into how I create and sustain connection in relating with people I've only just met. Jumping head first into online dating, I started to bring my attention to the many small, and seemingly insignificant, ways I unconsciously think and communicate. Because let’s face it, smoothing out early connection is how it all starts for us emotionally and socially skilled folks.

I dedicate this article to those of you who are on a mission to break the habit of taking too much on, who are currently dating, resolute not to repeat their past mistakes in co-creating a lopsided baseline, and the same slippery slope that follows.

I found creating an equal dynamic to be a huge challenge because making things easy for others, and building a connection from almost nothing, is my forte. To all you recovering pleasers and fawners out there, I hear you! Making life comfortable for others is so deeply ingrained in our highly attuned being...

But how do you even begin to excise the part of your "goodness" that kept you safe and positively served your identity in the society all this time?

Let me tell you - it is painful and confusing. Half the battle was understanding that my 'helping' reflex doesn't help others grow. Shaped by eons of female social conditioning, I became present to how my over-functioning spoke for me almost every time I opened my mouth: When others struggled to see clearly, I was quick to clarify things for them. When they found it difficult to explain their past experiences, I eagerly injected them with the right words and meaning. In bridging the gap, I was completely unaware of driving the dynamic forward while carrying more than I needed. Being wired to notice when others struggle to connect, I automatically pick up and carry the interaction.

It is all fun and games to start with when you are on good form, always on hand for others, cheering them on. But as soon as you start to challenge people, their lack of capacity reveals itself as a breakdown in communication.

What do you do? You work harder to maintain the boat afloat...

In the past, when my partners had distanced themselves emotionally (after previously fully engaging with me thanks to me carrying the dynamic), I kept over-stretching myself by providing them with space to process, while I sat patiently in an emotional limbo. When they said something inappropriate, like a sarcastic remark or a comment that served nothing else but to tear me down, I excused it (or explained it away) instead of openly challenging them on it.

You, too, have likely learned that unchecked empathy will bite you in the arse. And so does always being good and understanding...

Highly empathic people are inclined to cut a lot of (undeserved) slack to someone new. Take dating profiles with blank, or outright lazy, bios. Only over-functioning folks think these people must be busy, or fall for a 'will fill out later' excuse.

I'd like to clear something up from before you even contemplate interacting with others: People are constantly showing you what they are capable of. Believe it or not, even a monkey can write a single word answer to a clearly self-reflective prompt - a nudge to dive deeper into who you are for you to showcase it to the world. If one summarises themselves as an emoji of an English flag…perhaps they are seeking a pole? When you come across a densely written, really interesting bio with photos to match, you know that person has invested time and effort to attract a certain type of person - it serves as a filter for dating with intentions. On the other hand, brief profiles, particularly lathered with highly curated selfies and half naked reflections in a gym mirror, from the get-go scream "I am the main attraction here!". They translate into "First, I require you to invest your time and attention in order for you to find out who I am. Only then I will decide if you are worthy of my effort."

Honestly, takers can be easily spotted once you know what you are looking at. The AI can be a helpful tool for its brilliance in spotting patterns in human behaviour. It can be quite accurate in predicting one's psychology based of a paragraph they have written. After all, language is a form of self-expression. The words we choose, how we string sentences and use punctuation, builds our very own signature.

Once in communication with a potential match (ideally the one who has offered substance to work with), providing we are able to sit back, observe and ask questions (instead of offering answers), things will reveal themselves pretty fast. I know, it feels somewhat counter-productive to do less. But hear me out: By you not carrying the conversation, their lack of investment and capacity will reveal itself far quicker. For clarity, by not intervening I don't suggest stalling the conversation or becoming withdrawn. Stay present - engaged and warm, yet initiate less. Let the silence drop. Let the space speak for itself!

Stopping over-functioning is all about staying open, asking questions, but not managing the answers. No chasing, no rescuing, no fast forwarding to keep the connection alive. Because what already exists can sustain itself without you pouring effort in! It is the part of a healthy connection where have our emotionally neglectful carers failed us. Ask yourself, how much effort do you typically pour into keeping the connection with your own family alive? Are they interested in what rocks your boat? How often would you see them if you haven't initiated contact, or suggested meeting?

Relax into your seat and let others meet you. Hand them the connection baton. How quicly will they run out of steam? If they are actively engaged, notice the quality of the conversations. Are they judgemental, black-or-white thinkers, or are they comfortable with depth and nuance? Are they curious, capable to sit with their emotions once questions get serious, or do they deflect them with jokes? Are they vague in answering your questions, keeping things superficial and on their terms? Keep collecting data while staying engaged. Things will start to reveal without you controlling the outcome. I found this part the hardest. Doing nothing I felt powerless, like I have zero control over the outcome. It wasn't until I understood I am simply removing my interference which allows for their relational capacity to reveal itself. Indeed, I had to confront my fear of not knowing, the one thing my over-functioning was trying to protect me from, in order to have a shot at co-creating an equal partnership.

Unlearning our habits, while confronting our fears, is a process. If you are keen to learn more, below is a list of the invisible labour we, givers, tend to silently carry without realising we've made it our responsibility. The list was created based on my personal reflections in corroboration with the AI. I hope it opens an inner dialogue for you to notice the ways you may have been quietly bridging gaps that were never yours to hold.

Initiation & Momentum

1. Initiating most conversations or always being the one to “restart” the thread

2. Asking the deeper or more interesting questions to keep things engaging

3. Moving the interaction forward (suggesting calls, dates, next steps) before it arises naturally

4. Bridging gaps in communication instead of letting them reveal something

5. Speeding up intimacy (frequency, depth, or tone) ahead of mutual pacing

Emotional Labour

1. Translating your feelings and theirs into words

2. Giving the benefit of the doubt prematurely

3. Softening or reframing their inconsistencies so they “make sense”

4. Holding curiosity for both sides while they remain passive

5. Doing the work of emotional attunement alone

Conversational Effort

1. Writing thoughtful, layered responses while receiving minimal input

2. Adding humour, depth, or playfulness to “lift” flat energy

3. Carrying the tone of the interaction so it feels alive

4. Asking follow-up questions that show more investment than you’re receiving

5. Filling silences quickly instead of letting space speak

Regulating the Connection

1. Monitoring response times or shifts in tone

2. Adjusting your communication style to keep things smooth

3. Avoiding saying something that might “disrupt” the flow

4. Repairing minor disconnections that the other person hasn’t noticed (or taken responsibility for)

5. Managing the emotional climate so it stays comfortable

Projection & Meaning-Making

1. Interpreting potential from limited data

2. Filling in gaps with imagined depth or compatibility

3. Creating a sense of connection based on how you feel in their presence

4. Building a narrative before mutual reality is established

5. Mistaking your capacity to connect for their capacity to sustain it

Self-Positioning

1. Showing more of yourself to “invite” reciprocity

2. Offering vulnerability early to deepen the bond

3. Trying to be clear, evolved, or emotionally intelligent in a way that leads the dynamic

4. Over-explaining to ensure you’re understood

5. Demonstrating relational skills instead of letting them emerge naturally

Control Disguised as Care

1. Steering conversations toward depth

2. Nudging the interaction toward clarity or definition

3. Trying to optimise the connection instead of observing it

4. Preventing awkwardness, ambiguity, or uncertainty

5. Intervening so the connection doesn’t “lose momentum”

Time & Attention Investment

1. Prioritising the interaction mentally early on

2. Thinking about what to say next outside the conversation

3. Checking the app more frequently than needed

4. Letting the interaction occupy disproportionate mental space

5. Becoming subtly preoccupied with the outcome

Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.

Copyright © 2026 Michaela Patel