RECOGNISING COVERT CONTROL IN RELATIONSHIPS: A QUIZ ON SUBTLE RELATIONAL SHIFTS

Question tme.

For a long time, I didn’t lack intelligence, insight, or self-awareness. What I lacked was a framework that made sense of how a relationship could feel loving and damaging at the same time - and how slowly adapting to stay safe could blur my reality.

This quiz was created using AI as a collaborative tool to help organise and refine language. However, its substance comes from lived experience - my own, and that of many individuals whose stories I have heard closely and personally. The material has been extensively altered to reflect real relational patterns as they are lived and felt internally, not as they are described in theory.

This quiz is not about blame or convincing anyone of anything. It is about naming experiences that are often minimised, misunderstood, or normalised, especially by people who are thoughtful, loyal, and deeply empathetic.

If something here resonates, my hope is not that you rush to conclusions, but that you begin trusting what you notice. Becaues clarity doesn’t arrive all at once. It arrives through small moments of "Ah, yes...I can relate."

You are not behind. And you are certainly not imagining it.

Before you begin

This quiz is an invitation to notice patterns in how a relationship feels to live inside.

Many forms of emotional harm are not obvious - especially when they develop gradually, are mixed with care or affection, or are explained away as normal hardship. People who are empathetic and self-reflective are often the last to recognise when something is wrong, because they look inward first.

This quiz does not ask you to label your relationship or make decisions. It is designed to help you reconnect with your own lived experience, including signals you may have learned to squash.

Take your time. Pause if needed.

PART A — GOOD AND BAD AS A PACKAGE

1. Do you find yourself questioning or downplaying things that hurt you because of the good moments in the relationship?

2. Do cycles of closeness followed by criticism, distance, or conflict leave you feeling disappointed or emotionally worn down?

3. Are arguments often triggered by what you have supposedly done wrong?

4. Do you feel pulled into conflict or emotional engagement just as you begin to detach or question things?

5. Do you experience frequent put-downs or criticism that leave you feeling bad about yourself?

6. Do you feel extremely tired or overloaded with responsibility, while your partner still has time or energy for pleasure, rest, or fun?

7. Do you feel pressured to fix, improve, or stabilise the relationship after conflict?

8. Do you feel responsible for preventing future conflict by trying harder, being more accommodating, or anticipating problems?

9. Do you rarely feel that conflict is truly resolved — only paused — because things are pushed under the rug rather than taken responsibility for, often moving on as if nothing happened?

10. Does the fear of losing the relationship pull you back into trying harder to make things work?

Reflective closing:

When affection and harm come as a package, confusion and over-functioning can become powerful hooks.

Healthy reference:

In a healthy relationship, care is consistent. Conflict can be addressed without blame, urgency, or self-erasure.

PART B — FINANCIAL PRESSURE & DEPENDENCE

1. Do you feel a constant background tension around money in your relationship, even when there is no immediate financial problem?

2. Do you find yourself feeling grateful for financial support or stability in ways that make it harder to ask for more or to disagree?

3. Do you feel financially dependent on your partner, even if you earn money, contribute, or are technically independent?

4. Do you hesitate before spending money on yourself, while feeling more at ease spending money on your partner — even when the money is your own?

5. Do you find yourself explaining, minimising, or softening your needs or expenses to avoid tension or pushback?

6. Do financial discussions leave you feeling less confident and more cautious than you used to feel?

7. Do you avoid raising financial concerns because you fear it may lead to conflict or criticism?

Reflective closing:

Financial pressure often works quietly, shaping behaviour long before it is recognised.

Healthy reference:

In a healthy relationship, money does not create fear, obligation, or a loss of confidence in yourself.

PART C — CARRYING EVERYTHING

1. Do you feel that the relationship depends on you constantly pouring effort in, as though it would fall apart if you stopped?

2. Have you adapted your life so much to the relationship that it’s hard to remember what you want independently of it?

3. Do you feel guilty, selfish, or uneasy when you think about prioritising your own needs, rest, or happiness?

4. Do you feel responsible for keeping things calm and stable, spending a lot of energy anticipating potential problems before they arise?

5. Do you feel more like the one who manages, supports, or holds things together than an equal partner in the relationship?

6. Do you rarely feel genuinely supported or held, even though you are constantly supporting your partner or the relationship?

7. Have you become so used to coping and pushing through that you rarely stop to notice how much you are actually carrying?

8. Does the idea of stepping back or doing less make you anxious about what might happen?

9. Have friends or family noticed changes in your energy, confidence, or sense of self?

10. Does it trouble you that giving so much of yourself still doesn’t seem to create ease or security — or match how love is meant to feel?

Reflective closing:

When one person carries the relationship, exhaustion can quietly replace reciprocity.

Healthy reference:

In a healthy relationship, effort and responsibility are shared, and rest does not threaten connection.

PART D — MOTHERHOOD & PROTECTIVE AWAKENING

(Answer only if you are a parent or primary caregiver)

1. Did becoming a parent change how you felt about or perceived your relationship?

2. Did conflict feel harder to tolerate once you noticed its impact on your child, even when it wasn’t directed at them?

3. Did you find yourself becoming more alert, protective, or on edge because of how your partner behaved around your child?

4. Did you feel torn between protecting your child and preserving the family or relationship?

5. Did your tolerance for mistreatment decrease when you imagined your child growing up around it?

6. Did you start to question things you had previously accepted once you saw them through your child’s eyes?

7. Did fear of how leaving might affect your child keep you staying longer than felt right?

8. Did you feel increasingly alone in parenting, while also experiencing your role as a parent being managed, undermined, or controlled by your partner?

Reflective closing:

Protective instincts often sharpen clarity rather than cloud it.

Healthy reference:

In a healthy family environment, children are not exposed to chronic fear, instability, or tension.

PART E — HOPE, ATTACHMENT & STAYING

1. Do you find yourself staying focused on who your partner can be, rather than how the relationship actually feels most of the time?

2. Do good moments or brief changes make you believe things are finally improving, even after repeated disappointments?

3. Do you feel a strong sense of responsibility for your partner’s happiness, wellbeing, or emotional stability?

4. When things go wrong, do you tend to assume you could have handled it better or done something differently to prevent it?

5. Do you feel a strong need to protect or care for the vulnerable, wounded part of your partner, even at your own expense?

6. Have you stayed partly because you believe your partner would struggle, fall apart, or be lost without you?

7. Do promises, apologies, or emotional moments pull you back into hope, even when behaviour doesn’t truly change?

8. Have you found yourself explaining or justifying your partner’s behaviour, either internally or to others, to keep the relationship intact?

9. Does the idea of losing the relationship feel harder than enduring it as it is?

Reflective closing:

Hope can bind us long after harm becomes visible.

Healthy reference:

In a healthy relationship, hope is grounded in consistent behaviour, not potential or rescue.

PART F — BODY, BOUNDARIES & CONSENT

1. Have you ever felt tense, shut down, or resistant at the idea of physical intimacy with your partner?

2. Have you found yourself agreeing to intimacy to avoid conflict or guilt rather than genuine desire?

3. Have you felt pressure — subtle or explicit — to meet your partner’s sexual needs, even when your own desire wasn’t there?

4. Have you felt guilty or selfish for not wanting sex, closeness, or physical affection?

5. Have you gone along with intimacy while feeling disconnected, numb, or elsewhere in your body?

6. Have you noticed your desire declining over time as the relationship felt less emotionally safe?

7. Have your boundaries around touch, sex, or physical closeness been questioned, negotiated, or dismissed?

8. Have you felt responsible for your partner’s frustration or mood when you didn’t want intimacy?

9. Have you struggled to trust your body’s signals, wondering whether something is “wrong” with you instead?

10. Have you felt relief, rather than closeness, when intimacy was over?

Reflective closing:

The body withdraws when safety is compromised.

Healthy reference:

In a healthy intimate relationship, consent is freely given, freely withdrawn, and does not require justification.

PART G  — HYPERVIGILANCE & WALKING ON EGGSHELLS

1. Do you find yourself closely monitoring your partner’s tone, facial expressions, or body language to gauge their mood?

2. Do you adjust what you say to avoid making your partner angry?

3. When your partner is in a bad mood, do you feel responsible for improving it or preventing it from escalating?

4. Do you feel tense around your partner, especially when you’re unsure what might set them off?

5. Do you feel relief when your partner is in a good mood, rather than a sense of ease or safety?

6. Does the relationship need constant attention to maintain stability?

Reflective closing:

Hypervigilance is not anxiety - it is adaptation to unpredictability.

Healthy reference:

In a healthy relationship, you don’t need to scan your partner's body language to feel safe.

PART H — FEAR-BASED COMPLIANCE & POWER

1. Do you feel there are unspoken rules in the relationship that you’ve learned not to question?

2. Do you sometimes go along with things you don’t resonate with because refusing feels exhausting and stressful in your body?

3. Have you noticed yourself choosing the option that causes the least backlash rather than what feels right to you?

4. Do you feel that saying “no” often leads to tension, anger, or punishment?

5. Have you learned to anticipate what your partner wants and adapt accordingly to avoid conflict?

6. Do you feel you have less freedom to change your mind, make mistakes, or express uncertainty than your partner does?

7. Does agreeing sometimes feel easier than asserting yourself, even when it costs you internally?

Reflective closing:

When disagreement carries consequences, compliance can feel like the safest choice.

Healthy reference:

In a healthy relationship, boundaries can be expressed without fear or retaliation.

PART I — IDENTITY EROSION & LOSS OF SELF

1. Do you feel a sense of being less yourself than you were before the relationship?

2. Have your interests or passions gradually taken a back seat within the relationship?

3. Do your wants or needs feel unclear unless you think about how they fit within the relationship?

4. Do you feel more confident in your choices only once your partner has agreed with or approved them?

5. Do you notice yourself hiding parts of your personality to avoid conflict or disapproval?

6. Does your body feel more relaxed or open when you’re not around your partner?

7. Do you feel unsure who you would be or how you would live if the relationship ended?

Reflective closing:

When staying safe requires constant adjustment, you may slowly stop recognising yourself.

Healthy reference:

In a healthy relationship, who you are expands rather than contracts. Love does not require you to keep adjusting yourself until there is less of you left.

You’ve reached the end of the quiz.

Nothing here asks you to decide, confront, or change anything today.

It simply offers a mirror. If something resonated, that recognition is enough for now.

Understanding unfolds at its own pace.

Return to yourself gently.

If it feels helpful, you can explore the accompanying guide next for context around what these patterns often reflect.

Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.

Copyright © 2026 Michaela Patel