What happens when we approach the sell-by-date of our relationship? What decides on if we stay or move on?
We tend to greatly hang on that which works in our relationship, don’t we? We cherish the amazing first dates, the exciting holidays, the interesting family gatherings, the wild parties and romanic dinners. Don’t get me wrong, it is good to appreciate the things that make us feel good, the things that work. The problem, however, is in the imbalance. Clinging way too much onto the perks of our relating, we like to overlook its issues. When it is the issues we later on trip over…
At the start of a new relationship, we are on cloud nine because the good massively overweighs the 'not so good'. We aren't particularly interested in looking into our differences. Escaping from our past hurt and problems, we get skilled in pretending there aren't any.
With each argument, we skilfully hide in our silent resentment pit. Not knowing how to approach confrontation, we sit there, waiting for the drama to subside. Once the emotional twister calms down, we sweep things under the proverbial carpet, hoping that the worst is over. When the worst is yet to come...
When you aren’t skilled in openly and honestly communicating your thoughts, needs and feelings, you dig yourself an ever growing trench, which then swallows the illusion of love you both share. Divided by the cracks in your connection you end up feeling alone, misunderstood, unloved.
Know that the more INCOMPATIBLE you are with your partner, the more issues you are up against, and the more challenging your relationship. Depending on how you approach your differences, your relationship will either thrive, or die. Because compatibility changes in time, you either grow together and at a similar speed, or gradually apart.
But growth isn’t bad, so why are we so hang up on our stale relationships? Why are we attempting to fit ourselves into a confined space we have clearly overgrown?
It is all about the FEAR of letting go.
The fear of abandoning our habitual existence (the routine we are so accustomed to!), no matter how unhappy we deep down feel, keeps us STUCK. Leaping into the unknown, the undiscovered is terrifying! Our main worry being ‘What IF I don’t find a more compatible partner?’
But how are you meant to when you are holding onto the incompatible one?
This is a particularly tough call if you’ve been in a long term relationship without the experience of having to look further, without having practiced leaving behind that which doesn’t serve you.
Unless you do so few times, you will find it hard to imagine how life looks like behind the huge wall of your current enclosure built of RESISTANCE to change.
Sitting in our self-imposed prison, we are unaware of what keeps us in it: OUR ILLUSIONS about love and happiness, about ourselves.
We believe that a happy life equals co-habitation with one person for the rest of our life. The kind of life everyone seems to be living even though they aren’t exactly happy. Some hide it better than others. The more we get to know others, the more we see under the polished surface. Divorce and separation are frowned upon, suffering in the privacy of our homes is then celebrated in social gatherings by wearing a mask of love over pain...
Our existence is bound to be unhappy when we invest our energy into pretending rather than seeking the real thing, when our fear of looking like a failure is far greater than the fear of leaping into change.
Yet, the key to our release is truly simple. We must realise that we are worthy of an ideal partner (not idealised), worthy of the truth! Such realisation typically comes about in an enlightening flash from the other side of the 'worthiness coin’: as a deep knowing that we definitely DON’T DESERVE whatever is currently going on. Which is typically the beginning of an end. End of our pain and the beginning of our healing journey to self-love and self-acceptance.
You are not a failure having left an uncomfortably fitting relationship which was preventing your soul from growing wings. The way I see it, a true purpose of being in a relationship is to ensure each partner learns about themselves from the other, and teaches the other in return. Providing that we fully understand and heal the part of ourselves which led us into trouble, we are sure better equipped to begin our search for a more suitable soul...
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Copyright © 2018 Michaela Patel