The question of any fresh divorcee is 'How can I heal? I am hurting so much!'
This article is dedicated to those who found themselves powerless, stuck in an emotional dip post-separation, but also to those who came out of an unhappy relationship and are lost and hurting. Please read it with an open mind if you like to get a completely fresh perspective on your suffering.
When we are hurting we want our pain to go away fast. We don't like to feel what we feel. We hate it and resent ourselves for not being efficient enough in dealing with our unpleasant emotional states. Being in agony, feeling like a massive failure, we skilfully manage to top it up with a dollop of self-blame. Will this attitude help us to get back on our feet? Absolutely not. This is in fact a fast, downward spiral, to self-punisment and more pain to come...
Self-loathing is a result of an unforgiving attitude towards oneself.
If you really like to heal, the first thing you must do is to forgive you. Forgive yourself for wanting to be someone you are currently not, accepting the you you are right now, this minute, with all your failures and negative outlook on life. Yes, forgive yourself for feeling crappy, for hating your ex, and for being selfish wanting space away from those you love. It is OK to not be the one you've always strived to be in front of your family, in front of your friends, in front of your children, in front of yourself. Accepting your flaws, although counterintuitive, is the best place to start and here is why: Imagine a part of your body is wounded and bleeding. Would you say 'Oh I hate that thing!' No! You would lovingly attend to all those cuts and bruises, wouldn't you?
1/ Attend to that which is hurting.
You might not want to hear this but you cannot expect for the pain to go away quickly. It exists to help you discover all the parts of you that are wounded. Your pain is guiding you to your injuries. Without it you have no idea you are in need of healing so make it your friend, because without it your life would be hopeless.
A physical body is very much alike your emotional body. A healthy physical body and a happy emotional body coexist. When we break a bone, we may feel numb for a brief moment before an excruciating pain hits us. We are incapacitated and in need of a time out to allow appropriate healing. Similarly to it, when we break down emotionally, we may feel numb prior to being caught in the whirlwind of painful emotions. To heal ourselves, we need quiet time and space away.
2/ Reduce distractions.
Yes, we need to be alone. But our habitual way of soothing our hurting Self is to distract ourselves. Working long hours, having one more child, or dating a new partner, the list goes on. And when we run out of people, we turn to things: shopping online for stuff we never knew existed, watching programs everyone is talking about, having a fag, glass of wine or a line of coccain. We get addicted to literally anything to keep our pain at bay.
Do you realise how much effort are you putting into keeping the 'I am good' act going? It’s like putting an ice pack on a broken bone. It is a never ending, useless, vicious cycle. But we keep our habitual distractions going because, frankly, self-betrayal is what we are good at...
Read more on why crying is actually good for you, or continue to part 2.
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2018 Michaela Patel