So to truly heal and not to temporarily cover up your pain you must notice that which is causing it.
Remember that behind every unpleasant emotion is an unpleasant thought. We are so keen on getting to know others, understanding their pain, wanting to help or fix them, forgetting the most important person in the world in the process.
In time, you will discover that mostly those thoughts which cause you pain boil down to you feeling somewhat 'not good enough' as a partner, as a parent, as a human Being. We believe that we don't quite measure up to our idea of ourselves. Post separation however, our self-esteem hits an all time low.
We have failed at many things in life but certain life circumstances hit just a tad closer to home...
We had certain expectations about ourselves, didn't we? And so did those who brought us up. Falling short of the image we hold in our mind’s about who we 'should be', what we 'should achieve' in our career, who we should date, or how large should our family house be, we are bound to feel disheartened when things don’t materialise.
We so often assume that we know everything. We think that we know how a healthy relationship functions and how a loving partner acts. But perhaps not, and this is why we are hurting.
4/ Hack your belief system.
Beware that it is this part which needs time, because what you currently believe in (your belief structure) took time to build. So time is also needed to take this monster apart and replace it with a new one . Which cannot be rushed if you like to build something better, something more solid and long lasting.
The good news is, it gets easier with time :)
What we believe about life and ourselves drives our desires to fulfil them.
The only reason for our pain (and I said this in many of my previous articles) is that we believe in lies. Lies which we were taught, or 'sold' by those who benefit from our pain. I can guarantee you that you believe in the same lies I did too. Imagine what would happen to the many businesses if they stopped advertising? ‘You are worth our product’ is a clever campaign, implying that, if you don’t own what they like you to buy, you are worthless. TV and social media are a tool of mass hypnosis in that respect, at every opportunity reminding us of our ‘not enoughness’. Add the opinions of your caregivers about you, you kept on hearing since being able to understand spoken word; it makes up for the golden standard you keep endlessly comparing yourself with.
A huge part of our unaware self is relentlessly chasing validation externally. It needs to change.
Read more on chasing acceptance and how this insecurity afects you here.
To truly move on, you must be able accept that where you are right now shouldn't be any different. It really is OK! Because fighting with this reality, with yourself, is where a lot of your pain comes from. Read more on resistance and the power of surrender here. Stop resisting, stop running away from what is and from yourself. Stop the self-rejection. Getting comfortable in your discomfort is like overseeing the cuts and bruises, checking which bones are likely to be broken, attending to them in nurturing ways with love.
Recovering from our life crashing down, we all too often point to our bleeding heart alone, forgetting that our backbone may have snapped under the heavy weight of the lies we’ve carried for so long...
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2018 Michaela Patel