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  • Michaela Patel


He found a woman he wanted to marry. On the outside, his relationship with her looked like any other relationship. They were IN LOVE...

He loved spending time with her for the attention she was able to give to him, for the love she said she felt for him, and for the pride she felt when he got promoted at work. She saw how thirsty for recognition he was and she loved to see him happy. He loved security. In the depth of his soul, security meant having what he never got from his mother - FREEDOM. On the surface, however, freedom represented having plenty of money.

He craved his girlfriend's presence. She listened patiently to him, she was there for him when HE needed, she loved his company and he loved the fact she wanted to be with him all the time. He felt that she would never leave him. He told her that he loves her...

But how can we truly love others when we don't love ourselves? Because when we have lies and judgement for ourselves then that is precisely what we share with others.

When we feel loved by others, we feel good about ourselves. The pleasure of being accepted allows us to finally accept and love ourselves. We seek to be in a relationship because the only way we can finally feel good about ourselves is THROUGH others.

We may be thinking that we do love ourselves, but the truth is that we lost touch with our true desires long time ago. We served others for so long that we forgot to serve ourselves. We THINK we are doing things for ourselves and that we are happy. We have enough money in the bank to survive, we buy new stuff regularly to prove to ourselves that we are worthy, but truly, we are LOST.

He got married to her in a lavish ceremony. She was a stunning woman. For him her looks reflected HIS OWN VALUE. He felt powerful and successful, proud of himself and nothing like a failure...

Some time into his marriage, however, problems occurred. His wife didn't feel happy. She felt that he somehow keeps her at an arm length. She craved a closer bond, a meaningful connection, but he kept busy with work and she started to feel emotionally neglected. She so wanted to feel loved by him...

She started to criticise him. It became harder for him to make her happy. It annoyed her when he came home late from work. She felt he was lying. She became suspicious, asking a lot of questions frequently. He felt he is being controlled and their marrige started to suffocate him. He started to resent her. She was reminding him of his mother with the constant interrogations and general unhappiness. She became irritated whenever he spoke about himselfm, feeling neglected. It reminded him that he is not good enough, that isn't loveable and worthy her attention.

He knew how to make her laugh when her anger became unbearable for him. When he felt he hasn't got control over situation. But when she took her frustrations out on him he felt like a little boy being punished yet again. He could not be intimate with her. She reminded him way too much of his own mother. He hated her, and himself. He felt POWERLESS. All he wanted to do is for things to be different so that he can have sex with her to satisfy her. She became abusive towards him, raging with anger, having tantrums like a little girl at times which were very distressing for him. Drama, drama, drama. She was disappointed in life and him. They had money, but there were far from happy. He run out of ways to making her happy, which made him feel trapped. It was like he could never do anything right. He desperately needed to feel in control. He needed attention, he needed to be the HERO and number one again...

... and this was easier to establish with another woman. With many women!

He felt great about himself. His marriage was in shambles, yet they both pretended it wasn't that bad because none of them could have imagined ending their marriage. The success of their relationship, the fact they remained married (not the QUALITY of their marriage) held a certain VALUE. This value has directly reflected into their value as people. If their marriage failed, both of them would feel like a failure. Feeling like a failure was more terrifying for them than the misery of keeping their marriage going...

They thought the only way their relationship can improve is if they have a child. They thought that another human Being will make things more cheerful. They thought this child will bring them close together. They both needed to feel connected, loved, and wanted to be happy again.

Why do we think that having a child can bring us closer together? Because we share a responsibility? Because by having a third person thrown into the mix we will feel loved by our partner? This ILLUSION of happiness we assume to achieve through many sleepless nights, load of responsibilities of a new parental role, plus a completely new relationship dynamics between now 3 people. Once again we like to fix how we feel about ourselves through another. This time through an innocent baby which provides us with a clean slate for creating a loving family. What can we possibly teach our new arrival...?

Continue here.

Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.

Copyright © 2016 Michaela Patel

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