UNHAPPY RELATIONSHIPS AND SELF-SABOTAGE - HOW DO WE UNKNOWINGLY SABOTAGE OUR HAPPINESS?
Updated: May 14
The topic of a relationship self-sabotage typically describes a conscious efforts of an individual to end a relationship. However, a major, more dangerous proportion of self-sabotage is ruled by a larger part of our mind - our subconscious...
Whether you are in a relationship right now or not, imagine a truly loving, harmonious, fulfilling relationship. How does it look like?
Can you see a clear picture in your mind? Or is it rather a warm feeling somewhere deep within?
Whatever it is, and whenever you refer to it, one thing is for sure - it feels really good.
Now, you may refer back to your previous or current relationship and conclude that your reality feels far from your internal imprint of it. You may notice that having this new understanding floods your heart with discontentment and your mind with confusion (even fear), particularly because you have no idea how to reach your imagined destination from where you are right now. But don't panic. Rather know that no matter how constricting and uncomfortable your current discomfort, it is a door to a truly new beginning. That is with a single conditio. You must allow your feelings some space without denial or judgement - without your desire to change them. Because that would be you, now knowingly(!), sabotaging the truth...
When we become present to the first level of our self-sabotage, we notice our attempts to suffocate our inner truth.
The voice of wisdom, love, compassion for ourselves doesn't criticise. Rather it brings a certain knowing to the surface. Which typically evokes strong emotions of sadness at first. Soon after other emotions, we tend to call unpleasant, rush in. However unpleasant may these emotional energies feel, particularly if we have never learned to understand them, they rushed in to kick start our healing process.
So why have we not started this process earlier?
You may have believed that allowing your emotions to surface is somehow damaging to you. That emotions are bad because of the way your significant others displayed them. You may have come from a family where your emotions - the expression of your Self emotionally - wasn't welcome because it was considered a sign of weakness. Yet what truly weakened you so far was your inner disconnection to your heart. Understanding this is a crucial step.
It is at this point that your desire to reach your vision has re-set your inner compass. To stay on point, to walk in the right direction and continue living authentically, you must continue to consult yourself with honesty no matter how unpleasant it feels. At this point you may need to re-define what true bravery is...
‘How do I feel about this?’ and ‘Can I talk about my concerns with integrity, respectfully and openly with my partner?’ are useful questions. 'Am I worried to voice my thoughts to him/her?’ is worth exploring. If you are worried, check in with yourself if those fears of yours are just imaginary or only assumptions based on the past which may not be relevant today. You may choose to explore those and share them with your partner. If, however, you get nowhere, explore if (and why,) you deserve to remain in a space which feels distrustful, dishonest, uncaring, and unsafe.
Before opening up to others, however, we must have the same open and respectful conversations with ourselves.
We must explore how we feel and why. Honestly evaluating if what bothers us comes from the outside, or from our own unresolved fears, from our past painful experiences which shaped our insecurities. Because those can totally distort our current reality to a negative outcome - a warped image of ourselves upon which we draw our self-loathing conclusions. It’s negative charge spreads like a wild fire only to burn innocent others. Such is the power of you acting on your insecurities - you are not dangerous only to yourself. Understanding and practicing the responsibility you have for yourself , unit half of the relationship, is you breaking through the many layers of unawareness and the disempowering chains of your victim who up untill now blamed everyone else for your missteps.
Not sufficiently knowing ourselves, building the picture of who we are on pretending, can draw us into all sorts of fake relationships.
In unhappy relationships typically both partners are deeply unaware. They aren't present to their self-sabotage, to their assumptions about themselves and others, to their insecurities. We often assume we know everything about love because there has been so much written and spoken about it. And the same applies to relationships. We think we have seen it all. Sadly, we may well have...
But you can only know what you know, and what you don’t know yet. You do not know what you don’t know, like you cannot see a car in your blind spot. Unfortunately our blind spots on the roads that lead us into those relationships are larger than ourselves. We cannot see ourselves clearly because we aren’t capable to step out of the shadow of our own insecurities and past pain. If we did, we would see how flawlessly original, loving and creative creatures we are. We would worship our light and goodness, instead of staying voluntarily in our own shade. There are many shady relationships that you may have experienced. Ongoing negativity. Ungrateful attitude. Control. Jealousy. Dishonesty, even abuse. None of them make anyone feel good, do they? They bring us down, make us feel frustrated, confused and angry. Everything but that we are in a relationship for - love.
‘So why bother? Relationships are hard...’ many conclude.
But what if they are so hard because we are really hard on ourselves? Family, social, cultural pressures on us to be in a relationship, are topped up by our own preconceived ideal of love and how it must fit into our ‘all inclusive’ idea of life. We put so much on our life plate and want to eat it all. We want this and that, and often our idea of relationship looks like a fairytale. The prince and princess would be nothing without a castle, a manicured garden, and a horse carriage. ‘Our people’ worship us, whist we give them orders. Everything comes to us for free, with all the love and without a delay. This is how our ‘personal projection movie’ diverts our compass: From feeling good, to having it good. We get lost in our illusions, endlessly chasing something we believe we need to feel good. Which is the next level of our self-sabotage. We have a trophy partner, a fortress full of stuff with a shiny vehicle at the gates. We have it easy on the outside, but inside we feel uneasy, wondering why...
Unhappy relationships, lack of self-awareness, and self-sabotage are intimately related.
The way out of an unhappy relationship is through finding a way out of an unhappy relationship with ourselves. Ultimately, to restore a truly loving relationship with the person that we are, we must start making the right decisions and base our choices on our truth - not someone else’s.
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2019 Michaela Patel
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