Acceptance is an act of SELF-CARE. Accepting what IS is clearly advantageous, yet for many of us surrender represents a disadvantage or LOSS of some kind.
So why do we feel that surrendering is dis-empowering?
Our mind rejects the idea of accepting a situation as soon as the doom and gloom of a defeat creeps in.
It feels like we let ourselves down by 'allowing others to win', doesn't it? Not many of us dare to go passed this initial discomfort as a disabling feeling of powerlessness washes over us.
All we like to do at this point is to FIGHT. Fight our corner, only not to feel how we MIGHT feel. Our inner most belief tells us that if others win, we must lose...
Are you scared to accept things as they are because you would feel STUCK, not knowing what to do? Do you fear that surrendering a situation would leave you feeling WEAK?
Let me take you by the hand past the borders of your own fear and shine the light onto the deceit of your own mind.
The moment you truly accept your current situation might feel somewhat scary. And that is OK!
You are, afterall, treading on an unknown territory. It will take time for you to settle in this new place which comes with a completely NEW FEEL. New is good, as your whole being is expanding into the land of unrealised opportunities, which will be revealed to you in time.
You may need to be patient and become comfortable with NOT knowing what and how things will be - yet another challenge for your CONTROL-SAVVY mind!
Our mind wants and needs to have answers for everything. It is built for protection and survival. Of course it needs to know!
Ask yourself: 'Will I survive not knowing the answer to this RIGHT NOW?'
I can assure you that 99% of time your answer will be 'Of course I will.'
By being able to relax we become much better OBSERVERS, more likely to spot opportunities which present themselves. Observing meaning practicing viewing a situation and people from a non-judgemental perspective. Without allowing our Inner Judge (our Ego) to pass comments on the inadequacies of others, or comparisons only to make ourselves feel better.
We must practice shifting our narrow focused view and seeing reality from a WIDER PERSPECTIVE. With the awakening of our consciousness (our ability to be a neutral observer) our choices and possibilities broaden.
Be willing to adopt a DIFFERENT VIEW which leaves you feeling different to that you are currenly stuck in.
1/ From a space of gratitude, re-focus on the positive and feel empowered (instead of being ungrateful and pessimistic, feeling miserable and powerless).
Let me give an example from my own life. Although divorced, I remind myself about the good qualities of my ex husband, and what a great dad he is striving to be. Yes we have disagreements and get angry, but that happens in a happy marriage too when you are making others understand your boudaries.
You see, I could have sat all day long resisting the fact that we don't have a traditional, 'normal' family unit. But what would it cost me? My sanity? My son's happiness? If I was stuck in my head wishing things were different I wouldn't be able to be there for him when he needs my attention. I would speak to my ex from a place of resentment only fuelling his hatred against me. Instead, I let go of the idea my mind held about how a family unit looks like and worked with what was left from it.
Surprisingly, the reality I created for myself isn't far from my original idea as we are both communicating and committed to our son's emotional and mental wellbeing. I mean, it took 3 years for things to get where we are, but we work far better than if we've tried to squeeze ourselves into the traditional family model and we both know it. We have a shared care with plenty of spare time for ourselves to rest and do things we enjoy so that we can be the best parents for our child. The time we endeavour to spend with our son is of high quality as we had time to recharge. Our son feels loved, he gets tuns of attention, and the best possible care without being exposed to negativity which would be unavoidable if we forced ourselves to be together. It is a win-win situation which I didn't imagine to happen in my wildest dreams post-divorce when my world crumbled and my idea of happiness with it.
2/ From a space of compassion, attempt to understand another's weaknesses in depth (instead of holding onto your resentment, feeling like a powerless victim)
Our carers clearly shaped us and contributed to our emotional wounding. Yes we feel angry, yes we might need to protect ourselves from toxic people in our life out of self-love. But. Holding onto our resentment isn't going to harm anyone but us. Ongoing hatred isn't going to help us to set our boundaries with our abusers in constructive and PRODUCTIVE ways. What will help us is understanding others, their intentions, and their insecurities.
By understanding how wounded they are, how they act from their own pain because that is all they know to soothe it, we cannot feel but compassionate towards them. Their coping mechanisms are limited, wanting to be in charge of everything on the outside (including OUR lives) as they, sadly, lost a grip on their inner worlds. Once we understand their weaknesses in depth and as our idea of them and their power over us disappears, we are left with the reality of someone who needs our firm but loving guidance. As the roles reversed, we become the responsible leader, teaching others about boundaries, self-love, self-respect and self-care. We suddenly feel empowered when dealing with those familiar situations which used to trigger us so much because our inner child felt powerless and scared.
Surrender, observation and shifting focus are your tools for digging yourself out of the hole of your unpleasant reality. Knowing what you know now you are more than ready to pick them up and practice using them in these basic EXERCISES:
1. SURRENDER TO THE THOUGHT THAT YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Redefine who you are by learning about who you are not. Your ultimate goal is to be happy and healthy, not right.
2. SURRENDER TO THE IDEA OF YOUR INSECURE MIND RULING YOUR LIFE. Redefine insecurities as areas of growth towards the empowered, healed and happier you!
3. SURRENDER TO THE THOUGHT OF ALLOWING OTHERS TO WIN. Redefine winning as being flexible short-term when achieving your long-term goals. Let others be smart, be wise instead ;)
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2017 Michaela Patel