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  • Michaela Patel


Relationships work as long as both partners want the same. When we are on the same page we feel we can take on the whole world together, feeling mutual love, happiness and contentment. Feeling powerful, mutually ACCEPTED, worthy, we seem to have that special connection beyond words.

Inevitably, there comes a moment where we both want something else...

How our relationship evolves from then on, if our connection deepens, or if we become disconnected, depends very much on a single factor: how much we truly know ourselves.

Yes, our rise and fall of our relationship doesn't depend on knowing THEM as much as it depends on knowing ourselves. Of course one can expect much smoother ride if this 'knowledge' is mutual, as drama and misunderstandings can be largely avoided thanks to much CLEARER communication.

Madness is when our partner wants us to 'make them happy' without communicating their needs to us 'because we should know better'. In an attempt to shift their responsibilty onto us, under the veil of their own assumption of 'if your love me you must know me better than I know myself', we often fall into their trap. Literally. Because the moment you accept the responsibility for THEIR happiness you inevitably say good bye to yours...

You are only responsible for YOUR half of the relationship. But to master that kind of responsibility you must know yourself really well.

We are responsible for knowing WHAT we want, WHY we want it, and HOW we want it. And we are responsible for articulating our needs clearly, honestly and openly as soon as we become aware of an issue - without fearing how others will react back.

This does not imply to merely throw demands and comments for others to pick up the pieces (!), but with love and respect communicating where we stand. We are willing to listen, welcoming any objections, being open to an authentic discussion. Now that is a completely different ball game, requiring us to be crystal clear, understanding our thoughts and feelings, without blurring the lines with past hurt and blame.

We are responsible for WHAT we think and HOW we think it, including resulting emotions. We are then responsible for verbalizing our thoughts - for the words which come out of our mouth. We cannot blame others for what WE chose to say and do. No matter how automatic, subconscious our reaction was, we remain solely responsible. We are, however, NOT responsible for how they think of what we said, how they feel - their reaction to what they think of it, and for sure we are not to be held responsible for how they finally act!

And sometimes no matter how honest and sensible our actions are, others will hear/see through their FILTERS of resentment, fear or distrust. They will feel what they want to feel because it fits in with how they perceive us. Which is what works better in their world and there is nothing we can do in order to change it.

Why? Because it is their job to do so!

We must refrain from trying to 'save' others, by going out of our own way and against ourselves, just to keep our relationship going. It will not serve our partner in any way long term as we further separate him or her from their opportunity (and need!) for healing. It won't serve us either as by being dishonest, uncaring, disrespectful towards ourselves has nothing to do with self-love.

How can we share love with others when we are starving ourselve of it?

I want you to remember that you pay far higher price for inauthenticity than that you are willing to admit to yourself. Every single time. That the stakes for dishonesty in relationship are far greater than your momentary need to look good. CLARITY and AUTHENTICITY are the two tools which get you anywhere you like in life, as long as you are willing and courageous enough to use them.

What stops you from being absolutely honest and open with your partner?

How could your relationship change if both of you accepted responsibility for your half of the relationship?

(Continue reading here.)

Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.

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