All we strive for, since a very young age, is to be in a relationship. We are driven by what relationship REPRESENTS, rarely questioning the validity of our beliefs.
We believe a relationship with another:
1/ is the epitome of happiness. We say to ourselves 'I cannot be happy on my own.'
2/ is the embodiment of love. We say to ourselves 'I cannot feel true love being single'.
'It's what everyone else does!' Our grandparents, our parents, for sure all those people cannot be following A LIE...?
We cannot know we are living a lie unless we have lived the truth. Such is the reality and duality of life.
There is a lot of ASSUMING going on in our heads. From our knowledge on how to be happy and how love feels, to what we know to be true about ourselves. At the bottom of it all is our ILLUSIVE Self. We think that our likes and dislikes make up who we are. We do not know what drives us to like or dislike, nor we question why. We assume we know ourselves from what others said about us. We have listened to 'you are....' for so long that we have automatically accepted it. Moulded into an idea, A CONCEPT, is what we have become...
Let's explore what we believe to be true about finding happiness in a relationship.
We know of many relationships which are completely unhappy, don't we? Some of us were part of this UNHAPPY MODEL of happiness since birth, yet we somehow hope to find that special someone. We hope to be different. Better. Capable of choosing the 'right partner' who will know us more than we know ourselves. Someone who can read our mind for us and manage our perceptions, our emotions, so that we can finally feel loved!
We expect skills others are incapable of (not only because they are no mind readers). Ending up with those who (like ourselves), rely on others and certain circumstances to feel happy.
Where have these expectations of ours come from?
Since a young age we learned shifting responsibility. 'It's your fault... you have said/done this and I now feel ...' 'I flipped because you did....'
We learned that we can blame our unhappiness on others. What we haven't learned is to OWN it.
We know we are responsible for our thoughts, don't we? For WHAT and HOW we think about things, people, situations. Yet we refuse to own resulting feelings, OUR emotions.
We have voluntarily relinquished OUR responsibility, and with that our power and freedom. Although it looks like an easy way out, we have actually heavily invested our 'feeling good' in other's dos and don'ts. Very unstable and unpredictable grounds for the kind of happiness we are searching for...
What about our distorted CONCEPT of love we all follow? Mistaking 'falling in love' with true love, we believe that falling in love is healthy and necessary. We believe that it is a good sign. But every single person who experienced TRUE love will tell you that falling head over heels for others is unhealthy, immature, and indeed illusionary.
Falling in love is a state of intoxication, a completely delusional state.
How can we truly know someone we met a few weeks/months ago? Knowing others for years, how much do they know themselves?
We get attracted to AN IMAGE. We love our ideal version of that person, not who they really are. Idealising them, it is hard not to fall for them. Our unfulfilled childhood needs, wishes and insecurities, they make a stranger so appealing! It feels so good to hear how wonderful we are. Our relationship becomes nothing short of a drug...
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2016 Michaela Patel