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  • Michaela Patel


ANGER is such an everyday emotion. Yet we rarely know what to do with it. Similar to holding a loaded gun we often shoot ourselves in the foot...

You may need to forget everything you 'know' about this 'weapon' if you wish to learn how to use it to your protection and advantage, rather than harm.

It comes at times when our boundaries are being crossed, and if it is dealt with correctly it will leave us feeling safe and happy. However, this can only happen if we channel its energy in CONSTRUCTIVE ways, and for its intended purpose: for the restoration of our boundaries with others in a firm, calm way, with no intention to retaliate or hurt them.

Experiencing PROLONGED, repeated bouts of anger, is a clear indicator that we are unable to manage it in ways that serve us. Instead, we use it to destroy the boundaries of others by taking all the energy anger carries out on others. Eventually ending up feeling bad and angry at ourselves for hurting those we love, and guilty for not being who we strive to be.

We are bound to get angry at times, and it is in fact needed...

If you feel yourself getting frustrated and annoyed it is because someone is invading your territory. You are triggered, ALARMED, that your sense of safety has been disturbed. If your buttons are being pushed further, your anger rushes in to stop potential intruder.

Your anger arises when you feel POWERLESS AND SCARED - similar to when you were little. Our Inner Child screams and this is why we often act like little screaming children, having a tantrum, saying and doing things with the only purpose to cause pain...

Those who 'should' love us the most, like our partner, our children, our parents, are the ones who push our buttons most often.

When we feel hurt, all we want is for others to be hurting too as we, falsely, believe that our pain will miraculously disappear seeing them suffer. Believing this brings us a very short lived satisfaction, as hurting those we love the most we end hurting ourselves too.

In reality, we cause more harm, perpetuating negativity, instead of contributing to its RESOLUTION. Because that is what a mature adult does. S/he is firm, yet loving and calm with her/his child, pointing out what is appropriate and what isn't, and why.

We, wise adults, are here to teach others how we like to be treated, allowing others to learn self-love, self-care and self-respect. And yes, there are many Beings who will attempt to bring us down, or threaten us, simply because they feel threatened themselves...

People often rage the most when they are feeling violated and powerless. They violate others because they believe that the best form of defence is an attack.

If there is one thing I like you to take away from this it is this: All that your anger means is that your sense of safety has been disturbed. You feel somehow powerless and all you need to ask yourself is 'Am I going to be die if I don't act RIGHT NOW?'

If your answer is 'NO, there is no IMMEDIATE death/health threat', then the only thing for you to do is to OBSERVE your anger rising within as though you are watching yourself through another person's eyes. This will allow you to emerge from its wave so that you don't get swamped by its emotional intensity, being carried away, doing things you would later on regret. Like 'Wow I am getting really frustrated and angry here!'. Stay focused on observation of your feelings from a third person perspective, which will turn your focus inward, and away from them.

Nothing positive and constructive can come out of your negative and hostile thinking of 'I will show you who is the boss here'. Because by engaging in a conflict you become part of its problem, not its solution.

By realising TRUE URGENCY of the situation, you will separate yourself from your otherwise destructive behaviour pattern, and give yourself time to cool down. When you feel calmer, ask yourself 'What needs to change for me to feel safer, happy again?'

Read more on how to re-establish your boundaries with your offenders here.

The reason why our anger often LINGERS is because since childhood no one has taught us to understand it, its purpose, and how to channel it in ways that serve us. We have not been taught to ASK ourselves what needs to change, hence not being able to restore our sense of safety.

Continuously feeling threatened and powerless, our anger is bound to stay in place, providing us with an illusionary sense of safety. Every time our anger comes back we allow its energy to destroy us on the inside. This is the poison you are drinking (the Buddha referred to) when you are holding onto its destructive energies as your anger doesn't harm anyone else but YOU.

Do you still think that acting in destructive ways you will be able to co-create harmonious relationship with others and peaceful relatioship with yourself? Are you being loving and kind to yourself by not forgiving others and yourself for your mistakes?

If your answer is no, then you need to accept that how you have been using your anger so far has not helped you to create the life you truly want and deserve.

The next step is learning more about your boundaries, your triggers, and how these relate to how you feel. Your main challenge will be changing your reactions and channelling your anger constructively so that you no longer go against you...

Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.

Copyright © 2017 Michaela Patel

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