BOUNDARIES 2 - YOUR COMMUNICATION
You now know that in order to use the energy of your anger CORRECTLY you will need to stop taking it out on others, or on yourself by beating yourself up. Instead you must focus all your energy on claiming back your safe space in a non-threatening way.
Your boundary has been crossed as soon as you feel anger rising within and there will be changes needing to be made!
When you take a time out to calm down and have a think about WHAT needs to change, you are in much better possition to express yourself in non-abrasive way. To achieve something you need to be clear on what you truly want. Do you really want on-going negativity without feeling peaceful? Because that will be the result if you engage in a fight.
We need to be really clear on how we are going to express ourselves to re-establish peace. And the process itself ISN'T about proving others wrong. This is where most people go wrong, and why their attempts to 'make others understand' fail...
If you like to BE RIGHT all the time then you can stop reading right now. My advice is for those who like to reach agreements and move through situations in a productive way.
When you are truly open to discussion, you are GENUINELY INTERESTED in what others have got to say (attentively listening). By not being scared to express your own feelings (being vulnerable). you are creating safe space for others to openly express theirs.
On the other hand, when you are listening with the only purpose to defend yourself you are NOT ASSERTIVELY COMMUNICATING to those you care about about how you are feeling.
Most importantly: those who truly care about you, care about your feelings, so when you express yourself being vulnerable in front of them, they will hear you out!
Most imporatantly, I want you to get that there will be people who won't care about you but may use how you feel against you. Make sure you limit your exposure and communication with them to a bare minimum, in writing (if you cannot cut them out of your life all together that is) stating FACTS ONLY, as displaying your vulnerability, particularly face to face, you are opening yourself to further manipulation and abuse!
Typically, start with a Statement Of Truth like . 'I know you love me', ' We know each other for a long time', 'I know you adore our children', to create an inviting space for further communication. They cannot disagree with the truth which will naturally lower their barriers.
Next step is starting your sentence with 'I', explaining how you are feeling.
For example: 'I feel frustrated when I hear your saying ...' 'I felt disappointed when I noticed you...'
If you start your statement with the word 'You' like 'You did/didn't'....and I felt' others will feel accused. They will immediately go into a protective mode, putting their walls up higher, from where it will be very difficult for you to make them hear you out and CONSIDER how is their behaviour making you feel!
Remember, your ultimate goal here is for others to get how their behaviour has affected you, NOT to be right.
The last step is to invite them to contribute to the solution by asking an open question like
'I wonder how we could solve this that both of us feel happy?'
It takes ongoing PRACTICE, to become better at stopping ourselves reacting in UNHELPFUL ways, communicating our desires with confidence. We sadly, and often, resort to angry defence, in an attempt to automatically 'protect' ourselves, allowing our primitive part of the brain to take over. Instead of using our intelligence we destroy our inner and outer worlds.
Are you easily crossed, frustrated, irritated by others? Or would you rather agree with others to keep the peace?
Are your boudaries healthy? Find out in part 3.
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2017 Michaela Patel