SELF-TALK ON LOVE & WORTH
A typical conversation of our insecure Self with our mature, wise Self, as most of us have experienced it. Which out of these two voices is the more dominant one in YOUR mind??
( and please feel free to replace 'she' with 'he' if that suits you better )
EGO: Are you sure he wants to be with you? Are you sure he loves you?
TRUE SELF: Wrong question Ego! I am enough for ME, and that is what counts!
If I am not good enough for myself, if I cannot accept myself, how can I ask others to accept me? Wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? I believe in me and I feel enough as I am, right now - nothing needs changing. I am original after all, a masterpiece :)
If he loves me? That is a question he needs to ask himself. I love him. But I love myself as much, so if he decides to leave me I know I will be fine. I might be sad that a chapter of my life has ended, but I won’t feel lost. If he leaves, I won’t feel empty, or scared how I would cope on my own, because I am whole - with, or without him. It is you who feels scared and not enough without another, Ego. You have to be in a relationship NOT to feel your emptiness, your lack. I am complete, because the love I feel for myself cannot be taken away from me by another. His love doesn’t make me more of who I am, because I AM love.
EGO: But you look a bit tired today, and have not been in shape lately? He is looking at some other girl. I bet he really likes her...
TRUE SELF: He might like her looks. You cannot help but admire beauty.
You know Ego I am not my body, or what I wear. I am much more prescious and expansive. The ever changing energy, the vibe of my passionate, creative and playful presence. I am Life itself. I would be sad for him if his love was built purely on a superficial attraction to my looks. He may have not yet discovered what love is about, which gives him a very limited access to a true beauty and the joy of Life.
EGO: So you are not jealous?! How sure are you about him?
TRUE SELF: You are jealous Ego not me. You know why? Because you desire, you expect and like to possess. I, on the other hand, set others free. I don’t like to pick a flower from a flowerbed, or cage a flying bird. I appreciate all the beauty without attachment, without the need for ownership. I love them freely. You love them only if they are yours - with conditions. The flower you pick will die, and the bird you cage will stop singing, but you are happier to possess than enjoy what life has got to offer.
EGO: Can you imagine your life without him? He is your best friend, how do you know you can replace him? What if there isn’t anyone better for you out there?
TRUE SELF: I am my best friend. His presence is a bonus on my life journey, not a necessity.
I trust my ability to walk my own path by myself. After all it is my journey, no one else's. I came to this world on my own, even without you, Ego, and managed just fine.
Of course I will be sad but that feeling will fade away in time, it always does. He is like me, unique, incomparable, so there isn't another person to replace him. Anyways, I don’t look to fill any gap if he leaves, because I am whole, so there is no need for a replacement.
EGO: He tells you that girl looks pretty, that he doesn't like your hair today, the shoes you wear don't really match your outfit, that you used to look slimmer, I bet you feel miserable about yourself? You hate him right now...?
TRUE SELF: I feel low, yes... But not because I am not enough for him.
You see Ego, I used to think I am you. I used to hang onto every word of praise he said, every word of encouragement has lifted my mood because I felt so miserable about myself. I didn't used to always love me. I thought I wasn't pretty enough, slim enough, young enough, smart enough.
Now that I know my true value, I feel low for having cheated myself, for letting him treat me with disrespect, emotionally abuse me, and put me down.
I went against myself, I let ME down. I am the only one responsible for myself. I teach others how I like to be treated, and if I show them that disrespect and lack of care is ok, of course they will continue with abuse. It is my responsibility to SAY NO to others. If they don't respect my wishes, I will make changes by putting new, strong boundaries in place to limit exposure to their toxic influence on my self-esteem.
I forgive myself for allowing this to happen. I can now start restoring my broken boundaries so that I don't allow this maltreatment anymore. It is out of self-respect and self-love I have for myself that I won't waste my energy on hatred towards him. It's pointless to waste time by being angry at others. When instead I can use this energy to protect and care for me!
I am truly sad for him because I know that the way he talks to others, he also talks to himself.
He doesn't love himself, nor he accepts himself for who he is... and he can only share what he has.
Most importantly I cannot give him what he is seeking. I cannot make him complete. One full and one empty half cannot create a whole.
EGO: He has hurt you, how are you going to hurt him back? I want him to suffer!
TRUE SELF: He already suffers greatly by the way he treats himself and others, don't you get that? I won't retaliate. I don't do low blows . It would be completely useless and counterproductive. How would me being nasty back to him change his behaviour? My mission here isn't to create more anguish, more negativity. Pain only breeds pain, nothing else. By engaging in a conflict with him I would completely miss the plot, particularly if I am to be responsible for teaching him how to treat me.
With your help I will be firm if he attempts to abuse me again. I have to shield myself from an attack from his Ego, but my role here is to speak to his True Self which is asleep. He doesn't know he is in pain. I understand this, I am compassionate.
As much as you try, I wouldn't allow YOU to take over, Ego. Because if you do, I would be silenced.
I would become an angry and scared version of who I truly am. You are here to protect me. I will use your energy to restore my boundaries for self-protection, I won't let you waste it on destruction of others who are already hurting! I know you are all about survival, but this isn't a life or death matter.
EGO: But you are nothing without this relationship, of course it is a life or death matter! You want to be a failure!? What will others think of you?
TRUE SELF: What others think of me only matters to you Ego, because their opinions give you your identity. Without others you are dead. I love my imperfections. Perfection is fake, dull, boring, a copy of an ideal YOU have created. It is your own tail you are endlessly chasing, feeling like a failure every time you fall short of your ideal. I don't need to chase, I am me, content. I am not trying to be someone else, nor I am this relationship.
EGO: But you are scared of the future. You cannot cope with uncertainty. There will be no more safety for you if you end up on your own. You might regret things...
TRUE SELF: You are scared, Ego, not me. I am fearless. You cannot stand uncertainty because you only exist in the past which already happened, or in the future which hasn't happened yet. This is why you worry and regret so much. This is why you are so scared all the time. I know I am not your fear and anxiety, because I only truly exist in the Now. And right now there is no danger. I can only make changes right now to how much I let you speak. I must set boundaries with YOU Ego, because you are my servant, not a master.
EGO: He blames you now, I bet you want everything to be ok. You want him to change so that you can love him, so that you can stay with him, so that there is no more pain - his and yours...
TRUE SELF: I cannot change his Ego, only he can take charge. But for that to happen, he would have to discover who he truly is, and fall in love with himself. I love his True Self. His Ego is very much like any other - like you. He hasn't discovered how much has it become his master, destroying him, his life. He doesn't know how much of his true power, and creative potential is asleep, because his Ego makes sure he only sees himself as a failure. This is why he doesn't love himself. It makes him crave attention, deluding him that seeking acceptance with others is true love.
His Ego took over when he was a small boy. He got hurt by others, experienced danger. He got wounded, and every time he is reminded of this experience today he is hurting. Pain feeds his Ego, and only Love and compassion of his True Self can make it go away. His wounds won't heal, and he cannot change, until he chooses to face his own pain without blaming others for it. His Ego likes to point fingers at others to ensure he doesn't wake up the power of his True Self. But his Ego isn't bad, just out of control. Like an angry and hurt little child.
You see I am understanding and compassionate with his Ego as much I am with you my friend:)
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Copyright © 2016 Michaela Patel