Most of us are looking to be loved, cared for, and protected, subconsciously still looking for a parent ( rather than a partner ) to fulfil this role and all our immature needs...
To truly grow up means to realise there is no one in the world who can give us what we are after. That, which hasn't been given to us the way we have desired as children.
NO ONE can make you feel loved, apart from YOU. Unless you love yourself. It's called true responsibility for oneself.
But that isn't what we like to hear, do we ? Because if we fail at this we cannot blame anyone else...
To our defence, self-love isn't what we have been taught at school, or modelled by our parents. It is particularly difficult to get that WE, on our own, are the Ones !
Why ? Because the model of love was always TWO people, a couple - not a single person on their own.
Yet maturing means learning our painful lessons, realising that love isn't anyone else's responsibility but our own.
This message and realisation may feel pretty empty and disappointing for us. I hear you saying: 'After all this chasing and searching, it is ME ?? It is THAT simple !?'
Yes, I know, I was kind of disappointed too that I won't be saved by a hero who would die for me...
Since a very young age we were all supplied with the ideal 'love found in another' scenario. Think Disney, all the Princesses, Kings and Queens Tales. The message is pretty clear:
'You won't find love being single because you won't feel being loved... hence you CAN'T be happy on your own'. The love arrow is pointing away from ourselves and towards another. We even assign this role to a Cupid ! Love is totally out of our own hands. And we are 'off the hook'...
I wonder why the role of Cupid was assigned to a CHILD ? Is this a secret message of irresponsibility we should learn from ?
So how are we meant to see through a veil of this collective illusion?
We all strive to be happy and feel loved through another, starting with our parents. We want them to be happy with us, to love us. We learn to seek acceptance from them and that love is out of our own hands...
Love gets even more confusing when we see our parents unhappy, abusive towards each other and us. We do not quite know how this model of love works but hope that WE may be different one day, that we work it out. We watched so many movies with all the acted momentary scenes, we know what the concept is ?
And so we start our search for a partner. The One, our Prince and saviour...
We have developed our own, unique relationship with our parents, particularly with our carer of opposite sex. The 'likes' and 'dislikes' of him/her form the PICTURE of a person we seek to find love in. We create our own personal LOVE MAP: the points of ATTRACTION given by certain characteristics. Typically there are about 10 criteria on our list we seek to match.
As if it wasn't complex enough already, we are UNAWARE of most of those criteria. We seek them subconsciously. Hence we are attracted to people not knowing particularly well why. All we know is that because we are attracted, it must be love on a horizon. We are excited and hopeful, replaying our favourite romantic movie scene. We get swept off our feet and brainwashed by a powerful hormonal cocktail of feeling 'loved up'. Which really is just us falling in love with, and desiring being loved by, the ILLUSION of them. NOT who they are, but who we created in our minds: the Mr/Mrs Perfect. This is why we are weak at our knees, and want to look just perfect for them. And who wouldn't ?
Sorry I forgot to count. Is this the third layer of illusion in total of how 'love' looks like ?
Let's count together. First, the concept of love on movie screens, in various books and magazines.
Second, what we were taught how love looks like accordingly to how we are treated by our parents and how they treated each other.
Third, we create our own picture of what we like our partner to be.
Errr... it's getting quite foggy in here, don't you think ??
This is how we get so caught up in multiple relationships. We are all blind as bats seeking to fulfill our needs, which only WE are fully capable of fulfilling. It's illusion over illusion, layers of them. Plus you see everyone else is going for the same - our friends, celebrities...
...apart from those who woken up at last. Having to crash MANY times, frantically indulging in this collective fantasy, deceiving themselves on so many occasions and drowning in disappointment.
It needs a major shake up, I tell you. Your head feels concussed from Life hammering you. You are pretty down, depressed, usually end up divorced, in better case only once and without children.
I am not surprised divorce rates are 50% and soaring, are you ?
A lot of you reading this may have come from ALREADY divorced families, where the illusion of what love is has even more layers, and you are left to work out your way out of this mess and AWAY from relationships.
I wonder, is the love arrow finally changing its course ? Are we subconsciously rebelling against the illusion of happiness modelled by our parents ? Is this a quest of humanity for TRUE love, not just its concept ?
IF WE ARE UNABLE TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH OURSELVES, HOW DO WE EXPECT TO ESTABLISH THIS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER WHERE THE DYNAMICS ARE EVEN MORE COMPLEX ?
Do you still believe that someone who has a poor relationship with themselves can co-create a loving relationship ? The million dollar question is: How do you know who has a healthy relationship with him/herself?
My answer to you is: How can you know unless you develop one with yourself... ?
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2016 Michaela Patel