RELATIONSHIPS 1 - THE LOSS
So the person you have loved so dearly is now gone. He, or she, has left the relationship you put so much faith and hope into. All there is left is much pain having lost an ILLUSION of how much love you have both shared...
Starting a new relationship, we hope that 'THIS IS IT' - that this is our ideal partnership full of potential for happiness, our ideal LOVE.
We have dreamt about our 'perfect partner' from the beginning but like with any other dream, we have woken up from it. Either because our sweet dream turned into a nightmare we no longer wish to be a part of, or because we experienced a sudden, accidental awakening to a pretty harsh reality. We wish we have never fallen asleep or that we have never awoke. We blame others for fooling us or we blame ourselves for being so foolish trusting others. In any case, facing our pain is unbearable...
So what actually went wrong? Who is to blame? What is the lesson we should take away from this?
As my favorite saying goes 'IF YOU LOSE, DON'T LOSE THE LESSON.' Our lesson clearly was that what we perceived to be real WASN'T real aftterall...
How much of what we have lived was real, and how much wasn't?
We are quick to point out the superficial issues, which may have contributed to the failure of our relationship, indulging in THE BLAME GAME. Like ''If I/he/she have done, or haven't done so and so it wouldn't have come to this.' However, the REAL issues remain (at least for some time) unrealised, hidden deep in the hearts of our wounded souls.
It is safe to say that we failed ourselves by believing the lies concerning various areas of our relationship, other people, and ourselves. Having accumulated a whole bunch of FALSE BELIEFS about love and happiness during our life, we have created our illusionary bubble...
The burst of our bubble and the pain of our world crashing down is meant to alarm us to the fact that WE made a mistake. Yet 'It's all THEIR fault, THEY have been so bad to me!', we scream in despair. And it may be true. But, the longer we keep this attitude, the more of an additional pain we are causing to ourselves because..
...by shifting all of the responsibility onto others you say 'I am helpless'.
We give ALL OUR POWER AWAY to those who hurt us. Which brings more unpleasant emotions into the mix, for us not being able to move on. Instead of actively working towards our healing, we are endlessly wallowing in our sorrow, having locked ourselves in a prison of hate, resentment and despair. By saying 'You know what? There were things I messed up at. I want to find out WHY I did it, what led me to that?', by owning our wrongdoings, we gain our power back. We feel in charge over situation and ourselves instead of handing our power to others.
Asking yourselfs lots of questions after grieving your losses, is a great way of moving forward. The only way back UP is to be BRUTALLY HONEST with yourself. Because if you are to see through your illusions about others, you have to start with yourself.
You are the only living person you have a full access to, and control over. You won't be able to understand others if you haven't truly understood yourself.
WHO ARE WE?
What drives our desires and what are OUR MOTIFS for going into a relationship in the first place?
We THINK we know it all, but believe me, if we knew we wouldn't have found ourselves disappointed and heartbroken. If we knew who we are, instead of running into someone we thought we knew, we would end up with someone we know. Someone we trust. Not only because they are more trustworthy than our ex partner, but mainly because we TRUST OURSELVES, knowing who they are.
How big is/was your bubble? Do you trust yourself enough to go into yet another relationship?
Reality check is the amount of suffering you have been experiencing in your past, or current relationships: PAIN IS NOT LOVE - yours, or your partners. Love doesn't hurt, but how we act in its name does...
Continue to part 2.
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Copyright © 2016 Michaela Patel