Is someone you know in a relationship which is destroying their self-esteem and changing their character for the worse? Perhaps you tried to help them see the reality at no avail? Or, your adolescent child has decided to move in with their abusive parent with you feeling entirely powerless?
I feel your pain having been on both sides of this conundrum. I used to feel so confused in a decade long, abusive relationship! I wasn't able to notice something was wrong even though I felt far from happy. Another decade on, having far more clarity these days, I feel greatly frustrated explaining to my female friend (for the gazillionth time!) that her husband's behaviour bears uncanny resemlance to what I have lived through. So I wondered why this pattern of blindness? Why are the domestic abuse victims unable to notice what is going on right under their nose?
Being uneducated on the topic of relational abuse, unaware of our own emotions and how can these be manipulated, it is unsuprising that so many of us end up abused for decades without noticing it. But this is just the tip of my 'reasons iceberg' so allow me to explore this topic in more depth.
Indeed, no chronically abusive relationship starts with a physical assault like a push or a slap. Neither it typically starts with an insult like name calling or humiliation. Rather the entaglement is formed over time in a back and forth motion of a push and pull, hot and cold, giving and taking, nice and angry type of switcheroo designed to bind the victim firmly into the perpetrator's web. The nature of entanglement with an emotionally abusive partner makes for a rigid container with little movement of the victim to ever wriggle out (hence a dangerously bleak future filled with tons of uncertainty). The longer the time spent in emotionally abusive cocoon the harder it is for the victim to spot the loose ends...
An emotional abuser uses emotions to control by criticising, blaming, embarrassing, shaming or otherwise manipulating their victim into submission. Coercive control is a form of emotional abuse, a PATTERN of behaviours like manipulation, intimidation and other forms of psychological abuse with the goal to dominate the vicim's thoughts, emotions and actions.
The ultimate goal of the perpetrator is to discredit and silence the victim in order to gain the upper hand in their relationship. The most frequently used weapon in the arsenal of a bully-manipulator is creating arguments. Newly invented 'problems' are designed to verbally abuse the victims by assaulting, intimidating, ridiculling and degrading her. However, should this fail to control the victim to the satisfaction of the perpetrator there are other weapons in his arsenal, like physical and sexual abuse to finally satisfy the perpetrator's need for dominance.
By design abuse rises exponentially in frequency and intensity once the victim is firmly in the abuser's grip in order to further confuse and devalue her. I say 'her' because according to statistics on coercive control, perpetuated due our largely patriarchal society, abusive behaviour towards women is normalised (even encouraged!) in some cultures by men who saw their mothers being treated poorly by their fathers. Which also explains why women exposed to this kind of abuse in their home are more likely to end up with an abusive partner of their own to the dismay of their mothers who may have divorced their father by then. They are despairing to have come the full (abusive) cycle, frustrated they are unable to make their daughters see the reality of things.
If you are one these mothers my heart goes out to you. I have attempted to summarise below why, sadly, your daughter will find it almost impossible to connect to you from the position of your own experience and painful realisations, and why your attempts to save her may only further disconnect you from each other - an end goal of every perpetrator of coercive control.
The victim doesn't perceive their partner as a perpetrator that he is.
She doesn't deem the actions, and non-actions, of her partner as wrong or fundamentally flawed for two reasons. Firstly, having experienced similar abuse growing up the perpetrator's behaviour looks and feels familiar [right to her] instead of wrong. Secondly, the perpetrators of emotional abuse are skilled manipulators using tactics such as blame shifting, projection, gaslighting, deflection, or minimisation to make the victim feel wrong, while they cast themselves into a role of a victim. Learn more on DARVO.
The victim perceives herself as being at fault and deeply flawed, not deserving any different.
A direct result of the perpetrator distorting the reality of things in the many conflicts, designed to bring the victim to her knees, is her feeling permanently at fault, guilty and ashamed. This beats her self-confidence and trust in herself down making her feel undeserving of a better treatment. Feeling unworthy she is unable to see herself as the capable, peace loving (conflict avoidant due to many traumatic exchanges) partner but as someone who is difficult to live with and impossible to love. With her own negative self-image, she is unable to view the perpetrator in a negative light as all arguments are set up to be either won or lost with no win-win possibility.
The victim is trapped by circumstances purposefully and systematically created by the abuser.
Their relationship may look fine, even envy worthy, to people around them because the abusive partner is all about maintaining his image outside their home. He plays the role of the perfect husband and good father. They may live in relative luxury so she doesn't have to work [read cannot be independent] whilst behind closed doors he exploits her sexually and as an unpaid source of dometic labour. Or, she is the sole source of income because he is studying or cannot find work [read is too lazy] exploiting her practically and financially. In both instances she is made to work at home and in her job, betrayed by the one she deems to be her carer and protector.
The victim's only source of validation is the abuser.
Physically due to isolation from friends and family by them being made into the enemies of their relationship [read threatening his sense of control over her], and as raised in the first two points her main source of advice and guidance becomes her abuser. Which is too bad when your whisperer has ulterior motives of his own.
The victim is trauma bonded to the perpetrator confusing it with love and loyalty.
How much she is bonded depends on the intensity and length of the relationship. The highs which are designed to soothe the petrifying lows (purposefully created through arguing) are the glue of the mess an emotionally abusive relationship is. Enforced by a popular belief that fighting is necessary, and other false beliefs formed as result of our conditioning, the bad times can be seen as a normal part of a relationship and arguing is seen as desirable. Read more on trauma bond here.
The support system for recognising, validation, and protection of victims from harm is greatly flawed.
Our society which is set up to inconvenience women by conveniencing men causes further traumatisation. When victims are seeking support from police and the justice system they can be invalidated and futher emotionally abused by uneducated professionals, inclusive of therapists and healthcare professionals. Having experienced a decade long post separation abuse, having spoken to other survivors, and having read newest literature on the subject we, as a society, are largely unevolved and things are shifting very slowly. Stepping into the unknown for the victim therefore becomes more daunting than the predictability of the abuse itself, no matter how painful.
Even though the above analysis is hard hitting, it must by no means to discourage us from helping to protect those we love dearly. Rather it offers an insight into what may work, and what will definnitely not, to enable us to work outside the limitations of the box such situation represents. For example, taking our frustrations out on the victim will only furher serve the perpetrator who is feeding them with a false narrative about us. By getting angry with the victim affirms her doubts about our intentions because they are told we are 'bitter, jealous, angry, trying to break them up to make them unhappy' and other false accusations. I was accused of not caring about certain aspects of my child's life that matter to him, but the accusation can be literally about anything. Getting into an argument 'because we care' is only adding fuel to the many fires the abuser has cleverly ignited. The best way to tackle the situation is to not become baited into conflict! Because if there are angry people outside of the relationship the anger of the perpetrator blends easily in as being normal. The perpetrator is setting up the scene for us to eventually run into arguments with the victim (which may show itself as them having attitude or behaving out of character) in an attempt to sever our connection to further isolate us from the victim.
Far best attitude to adopt, in order to help to expose the hypocrisy and madness of the whole situation, is being everything the perpetrator cannot be: Emotionally stable, calm, happy, non-judgemental, unconditionally accepting, nurturing and VALIDATING. This particularly applies to children who may come home with an attitude of criticism. And no, it doesn't mean we are to agree with the abuse the victim is sharing with us, or that we should not address their abusive behaviour towards us. Rather it is more appropriate to focus on how the victim is feeling and share with them that certain behaviour is unacceptable in order to become the unwavering, safe harbour, the oasis of security where the victim can count on us reacting with predictability, where he or she can be heard and met with understanding. By asking curious questions about how they are feeling, why that could be and how is this affecting them, in time we can lead the victim to many self-realisations and rebuild their own shattered barometer of truth whilst avoiding to criticise their beloved perpetrator.
Supporting the victim of coercive control and other forms of DA is not for the faint hearted. It requires a level of a deep understanding, stability, emotional maturity, and wisdom able to reflect how truly immature and unstable is their relating with the abuser, and how unwise, even dangerous, it may be to remain part of such relationship.
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2024 Michaela Patel
Comments