One of the most common complaints of men in long term relationships is ' We don't have enough sex anymore.' Having rarely time for self-exploration, the majority of women overwhelmed with responsibilities often suppress their need for intimacy without ever analysing it further.
Who suffers?
Having misunderstood themselves internally, women give into the feelings of projected guilt and shame as a result of the external expectations and their own false beliefs about how they should feel and act. Indeed, the expectations placed on females in many cultures are much higher than those placed on males. Take parenting for example and see how would your household upkeep if you only contributed as much as your partner. Would it run smoothly on a practical level if you were constantly tied up elsewhere? Would your partner feel emotionally neglected if you contributed to the relationship mainly financially?
Is it possible that the emotional inequality, translated into practical inequality perpetuated by norms created to disadvantage women, is killing our connection to each other and as an extension our sex life?
Yes, men work. They always did and they always will like women. Men would work irrespective of being in a relationship to upkeep the household they would have to run entirely by themselves, the nest they would be proud to share with others.
Having a female in the house who is fulfilling the role of a mother, housekeeper, and an emotional counsellor is a definitive advantage to any man. Particularly to an emotionally immature man who does need a woman to feel validated and connected to himself - to love himself, to feel worthy and important. It begs the question if men would be willing to give up this privilege to finally free women from this responsibility?
Are females avoiding sex in relationships because they are tired of mothering their partners?
Take it from a female rather than a male. No really, why are social media flooded with male relationship coaches advising on how to have more sex with a woman? Is this a reflection of a society where men know best? I sincerely hope men can digest what I am about to reveal from a female perspective with a level of curiosity rather than the one emotion they truly master and unapologetically display...
How do we, women, really feel?
Ackward and exhausted. Oh and trapped. Feeling intimate with someone we need to endlessly emotionally, and otherwise, look after to keep the relationship afloat doesn’t feel right, nor good for us. Why should we carry a total responsibility for the emotional connection hence the wellbeing of our relationship? Most importantly, being vulnerable with someone who hasn’t reached the capacity for truly protecting us feels UNSAFE.
Weren't men meant to be our protectors and the guardians of our families?
For us carrying the majority of responsibilites becomes too much of a daily headache we can no longer ignore. Having no desire to be intimate robs us of receiving what we much deserve for our unselfish giving. We were conditioned by patriarchy to become the agreeable pleasers, the peace makers of our families, and the diplomats of our societies. Unable to process our sadness and grief for the injustice of it all we are plagued with guilt and shame for not fulfilling the duties imposed on us by immature people in power, who happen to be mostly men...
How can we be vulnerable in environments which are inherently set up for us to feel exploited and unsafe?
Mature, secure, and emotionally stable men who would treat others as their equals in words and deeds are nowhere to be found. Honest men who are willing to be inconvenienced, in order to make us feel more comfortable, not just by giving them the shirt of their back during courting, seem to be a myth rather than reality. Some men are covertly disrespectful by slipping a passive-aggressive comment here or there, while others are overtly offensive towards us calling us names or slapping our backside. Both of these types of men secretly hate us for our superior abilities, they sourced us for, because it triggers their fear of abandonment. Instead of admiring us, loyal and capable humans, they hate us and feel forever inferior.
Some men seem to be in awe with our parenting skills never having experienced an attentive, fully present mothering themselves. Although these ‘nice’ guys admire us they are secretly jealous of our children, our abilities, and the level of care our children are receiving. These seemingly 'good men' feel neglected by us (even used) in time destroying the connection they are forever seeking. Whenever they beg us for sex, completely missing the point, they feel hard done by us pointing out the flaws in their character which detract from our ability to look up to them.
Insecure men have not yet mastered how to uplift themselves emotionally without deserting themselves, desiring strong others to lift them up. They have expectations above and beyond of what they themselves are willing, and able, to unconditionally deliver, seeking to connect and uplift through sex with women they feel safe around.
But there are far worse men with characters misshapen by the entitlements of patriarchy!
Strong woman who knows what she desires, and don’t, is particularly threatening to a man who aspires to break her spirit. He wants to suppress and control her to stay as small and as weak as he is. A strong woman is a natural leader of her pack, which can be greatly triggering a man’s sense of unimportance. His need to bring her down by a peg or two is ever present in order to avoid feeling bad about himself. The more capable she is in a relationship with an incompetent man the greater his propensity for her daily devaluation in a desperate attempt to tip the power balance in his favour.
After all she is there to be (ab)used by those in power...
A weak man must control his woman. He is her master. His rulling starts with her thoughts and opinions to avoid the same scrutiny he puts her under. Double standards are the one constant in a relationship defined by instability, confusion, and the crippling lack of safety. Sexual coercion and exploitation is rife in relationships where men feel entitled to pleasure and where her needs don't matter.
In comparison, a strong man isn’t threatened by a confident woman and her power. He welcomes it in a non-exploitative way whilst appreciates her efforts without needing to restrict those. He is the captain of his own ship, comfortable with cruising along hers without the need to sink it. Without fearing to be led into challenging waters, he trusts her guidance because he trust himself to navigate these. He isn’t afraid to step up to the plate and make changes in support of her because being strong for her cannot diminish his power.
Relationship with a weak man is doomed to fail spectacularly. Predictably it ends up in an ugly, high conflict divorce, and years of punishment in the form of harassment of the woman, persistent manipulation of the child arrangements and the children's perception of her.
When mature partners grow apart their relationship ends by a mutual agreement preserving the love between them, instead of turning it into a shit show with a potential to destroy everything they've built together.
The difference between an A star man and an A hole will not only manifest in her desire for intimacy but also in how he navigates conflict. Those two are, in fact, connected because how he navigates conflict directly affects her ability to feel safe, wanting to open up to share her worries and needs, or to close off emotionally and distance herself over time also physically. Having sex is one of the most vulnerable experiences, providing that we feel safe to be totally ourselves. But when we are unable to talk to our partner about our needs in the living room, forget sharing these in the bedroom.
Besides, who wants to feel pressured into being vulnerable?
Sulking or guilt tripping her will only cement in her perception of you as an immature child. In truth, no healthy parent wants to sexually explore their children. I can guarantee you the repulsion you feel when you imagine that is the same repulsion she feels towards you when you deem her refusal as a personal attack on your very existence.
Can men find their inherent worth instead of using women to validate themselves through sex?
Contrary to the popular patriarchal belief, unless you can make a women feel consistently emotionally safe she will, in time, want nothing to do with you - no matter how many trophies stand on your shelf or how much money you have in your bank account. Your biggest achievement shall be for her to feel free to express herself authentically in your presence, without fearing being ridiculed or feeling bad about bringing up what weighs on her mind.
Thanks to patriarchy most women were allowed to emotionally process themselves from a young age, which cannot be said about men. The silver lining of the pain of our oppression is that we are able to emotionally connect to ourselves, be vulnerable and authentically grow, to eventually leave all immature partners and unsafe environments they foster. We were forced to mature in support of the emotionally stunted men the broken system keeps consistently producing. With this painful growth comes inner validation and a freeing realisation that we feel way safer walking it alone, without men by our side - the price they must eventually pay for their perceived, and subconscious, privileges...
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2024 Michaela Patel
Comments