What has lying got to do with competition and how can feeling shameful prevent us from living in truth?
Inauthenticity gets us in all kinds of trouble. We know this, we see it every day. When others choose to lie to us we get angry. Yet, when we are presented with the option of telling the truth we tend to swiftly reject it. The more we reject the truth the easier it becomes to lie and there comes a point that even if we want to tell it how it is, we aren’t able to. It is like having an internal switch one finds hard to override…
'What possessed you to think you could get away with it?' others question us in disbelief. To which we proceed with yet more lies, fiercely justifying them. Not having things under control we couldn't possibly cope with being exposed, knowing that others have the advantage of overseeing our weaknesses. Or so we think.
Our outer actions being perfectly aligned with our internal convictions we practice the art of self-deception, by continuously creating more of what we believe is serving us, without giving it a second thought. In the moment we typically believe that lying is the better option for us and no one will find out anyway. Lying always originates in fear. When it strikes, our logic shuts down and we proceed by acting on the commands of our false self like a puppet…
Why, how, and when is our inauthentic Self in control of our choices?
'You are not equal to others but inferior to them.' Many of us believe this in the depth of our core for as long as we can remember because we have always been unfairly compared. To our false Self our value isn't something that is inherent, ever present, rather it needs to be somehow gained on the outside which is why our moods forever fluctuate and we can never feel content.
Whenever we fear that we aren't as great as others could see us to be, we automatically feel ashamed of ourselves. When we aren't aware that our mind was trained to incessantly look for flaws, continuously competing with the outer world, we become internally shame ridden.
As little children, we were wonderfully honest, unafraid to be authentic, but also fragile because we had no emotional awareness. Open to being directly shamed by others, who were constantly lying to us about our greatness, we didn't understand that thry unconsciously project their unresolved stuff onto us. The more we were (a)shamed for being our authentic selves, the more we have cultivated and eventually overgrown our inauthentic side. Our mask then served us as a hiding wall and a front for gaining acceptance from the outside. Believing that seeking others' acceptance of us will make us feel good about ourselves we took on a role and internally rejected our free-spirited, naturally joyous Authentic Self.
The False Self is simply a dishonest and unfair point of view from which we tend to see ourselves: The never good enough construct of the mind. From this view most situations seem threatening to us. Feeling afraid then forces us to prove ourselves by achieving perfection. What happens when we fail in the eyes of the never satisfied master?
Shame, a mixture of disappointment in oneself and embarrassment, is a very challenging emotion. In order to overcome it one has to gain a level of emotional awareness. By allowing it to exist without judgement (a very challenging task for the ever judgemental mind!) is how this otherwise destructive energy eventually departs from our psyche. Any residual feelings we know not what to do with we either suppress or express. Having little emotional awareness we get confused by what we feel and get momentarily scared, which then manifests on the outside as anger.
Have you ever snapped at someone later thinking they didn’t deserve it? Do you get angry at yourself for little things others don't even notice?
When more shame envelops us as a result of our actions being driven by our Inner Con Artist and the fear of being seen as inadequate, we feel overwhelmed, paralysed. Numb. In time we learn the fastest way to avoid feeling out of control and confused is to suppress our dis-ease and justify our choices.
Of course all the suppressed energy doesn’t just disappear. Yet another deception of our False Self which is telling us that we have things firmly under control by momentarily avoiding things...
What are the inauthentic desires that burden our authentic souls?
1. Wanting to make lots of money/accumulate wealth, which comes from our inability to confront the lies about how unworthy we believe we are.
2. Wanting to be known/have a title/be famous, which comes from our inability to confront the lies about how unimportant we are.
3. Wanting to be in a relationship/engaged/married, which comes from our inability to confront the lies about how unwanted, unloveable we are.
Our life is majorly controlled by wanting to look good at all costs (we heavily pay for) which comes from our inability to confront the lies about how 'bad' we are. How many tiring roles do you play? How many masks do you carry around that you could let go off and be free?
From the perspective of the Athentic Self we are all equal. Don’t lower your value because someone said so! Every mind has a judgmental part to it which incessantly competes with others, unashamed to win by any means necessary. Observe it and say ‘Hmmm that’s interesting. Let’s see what else will you try to convince me about.’ If it’s a judgment, if you feel bad about yourself, it comes from your False Self. Don’t be afraid to confront it! What would happen if you went against what that voice is telling you? Observe the outcomes and reflect on daring to be authentic! It feels so good to be able to let go, relax, to look at yourself in the mirror and say ‘Whatever the outcome, I told the truth. I have done the right thing. Let’s see what the Universe thinks of it!’
You are enough by telling the truth even if it means that you expose a mistake that you've just made (or made a long time ago) because you are brave enough to face the consequences, learn from them and change! Our weaknesses won't go away unless we transmute them into our strengths. By bravely confronting our untruths, little by little, we will eventually free our True Self, understanding that others also fully own what they have created.
May the below be your new mantra on your journey to leading a more authentic life.
I trust that I, like everyone else, am capable of being led by the truth.
To me, vulnerability is being able to show up stripped of my own lies which will make me stronger by growing beyond my mistakes.
I am free to create consciously what my heart truly desires, understanding that no limits beyond those I impose on myself are real.
Whilst accepting all my human flaws, I still believe in my inherent goodness, yet no longer desire to convince anyone of it.
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2021 Michaela Patel