Have you ever felt bad for not wanting to have sex? Have you felt like you owe being intimate to your partner? Has any of your relationships ended because of your declining desire for intimacy?
The above questions are deeply uncomfortable. Leaving them unexamined may force us into resigning to the idea that there must be something wrong with us...
That is until we start to ask ourselves the right questions.
What if there was a valid reason for your declining desire which has naturally suppressed your need for sex? If sex was satisfying for you, and you were looking forward to it in the initial period of your relationship, at what point have you become unexcited about, or resistant to, it?
For us, women, as long as the experiences with our partner are positive, when our emotional connection with a man is intact, nothing stands in our way of extending emotional intimacy into the physical realm. In contrast, it is only natural to resist being vulnerable with a partner who has repeatedly used and betrayed us.
Based on our current, still largely patriarchal, societal and cultural conditioning most women are experiencing a particularly painful, most confusing form of betrayal called sexual coercion. It falls into a category of domestic abuse called coercive control, where women are overtly and covertly forced to have sex with their abuser. To the defence of some men, sexual coercion exists in our society more in a form of an unrealised manipulation. Due to the lack of understanding how patriarchy has shaped their belief system to their detriment, men aren't at all present to how they view women, unaware of their destructive behaviour being the result of their entitlement to certain privileges.
Patriarchy convinced men that women owe them intimacy. Women are gaslit into losing their mind and body autonomy, forced to suppress their true feelings and go along with men's 'needs' in fear of losing what such relationship represents (e.g. protection, stability).
To uncover what is really going on let's look at the relationship dynamics in more detail.
Being more emotionally connected to themselves, having greater emotional maturity (the one patriarchal privilege men aren't afforded), women are more in touch with their authenticity. In the presence of abuse in an intimate relationship she will to start naturally detach and withdraw emotionally over time. Her nervous system, being exposed to macro-traumas (noticeable, major abusive incidents) or micro-traumas (unnoticed, multiple yet subtle manipulation), shifts into a survival mode in which her need for sex diminishes.
Men being less emotionally connected to themselves, particularly those who are emotionally stunted with diminished empathy, derive their 'happiness' mainly from arousal. Sex provides the perfect (even though fleeting) distraction from the restlessness of his ever nagging. yet suppressed (hence unacknowledged) emotions. He feels he is owed 'love and connection' from his intimate partner because of his inability to connect and love himself. When she refuses, it only further confirms his unconscious fear he doesn't dare to examine: That he is unworthy of love because there is something wrong with him. Instead his psyche projects this 'truth' out onto her by making her feel bad, shaming her into believing there is something wrong with her...
The messages women hear like 'I need to have sex to feel more relaxed/connected to you' are the kinder ones on the scale ranging from aggressive 'You are denying me my needs by withholding sex from me. It is abusive! to victim like 'I have booked us into a nice hotel/helped you with chores for us to finally spend time alone but it's not enough for you?' But you won't necessarily see anything wrong with these statements if you grew up thinking that once you are locked in a long term relationship your rights will change.
Besides the majority of the chores and childcare women manage on their own, what advantages are there for men in long term relationships if it wasn't for having sex on tap?
For some bizarre reason her time and body no longer belongs to her. She is frowned upon for 'not giving him what he wants and when he wants it'. While during courting he wouldn't dare to be so righteous and indignant, knowing full well how lazy, immature, and pushy he could be perceived. Realising he is unable to read her cues, it would force him to become more in tune with her, instead of being demanding, pressing on and whine.
To be stuck in a marriage with an unsafe man, one who is not only sexually coercive, but also lazy with a strong tendency to exploit her practically and emotionally (if not also financially), is a truly frightening prospect for any woman. He, with the propensity to manipulate, will remove her ability to think for herself because then she is pliable to flex around his 'rules'. Not having noticed her basic rights being removed step by step, she becomes vulnerable to the idea that without him she is unsafe...
The message women and girls hear is clear: Having a man by your side is way safer for you than being on your own.
But what if our unexamined beliefs forced us, women, repeatedly into the oblivion of unsafe relating? What if the men in our society need to emotionally grow up, to love and respect themselves, before they can truly love and respect us, and before they are safe for us to build life with them?
So no, there isn't anything wrong with you, my Dear. Your body never lies to you even if it looks like it is betraying you. Always listen to it! Contrary to many movies, you don't owe your partner intimacy even if he bought you a castle and made you his queen! Your body isn't for sale. No one can buy the rights to owning you. The values of our society which shape those who are meant to keep us safe are broken, dysfunctional, producing men who are incapable of a stable emotional connection and care for another because they have not yet learned how to care for themselves in many respects...
Undeniably, we ought to start by levelling the playing field by setting the same stadard for both sexes where sex is concerned.
It is every human's basic right to fully own their body irrespective of religious and societal beliefs, or their marital status. CONSENT TO SEX MUST BE FREELY GIVEN and it must be INFORMED. If you are persuaded, guilt-tripped, coerced, or otherwise manipulated into having sex you are NOT giving consent freely. If you are lied to or otherwise decieved your consent is NOT informed. Additionally, consenting is a one off endevour and you have the absolute right to withdraw your consent at ANY time during being intimate. You owe it to yourself to STOP what you are doing whenever you feel uncomfortable, confused, or otherwise unsure. Feeling unsure will indicate you are being pressured to go along with someone else's preferences. Most importantly, you don't owe anyone an explanation, not immediately and not long after you changed your mind, and those who genuinely care for you will always respect you respecting yourself first. Only those who cannot will prefer you betray yourself. Hidden manipulation, unacknowledged abuse and disrespect coming from others always affects how your body reacts, even if your own or their mind tries to override it!
Taking charge of your life starts by claiming what you rightly own. The best form of protection against sexual coercion and other forms of betrayal is 1/to learn to recognise it, 2/to clarify and solidify your rights, and 3/strengthen the protective relationship with yourself. Because at the end of the day, you cannot trust those who are confused to care for you the way you truly need and deserve.
Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.
Copyright © 2025 Michaela Patel
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