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  • Michaela Patel


Updated: Apr 3

Every single one of us have been the victim and/or perpetrator of an emotional assault and invalidation. You see, in our society looking good is far preferred to feeling good...

What is an emotional rape and how did we come to commit such crime without anyone being held accountable?

Whenever we were told not to feel, what to feel or that what we feel isn't OK, our Being felt attacked, our inner truth was invalidated. It could have been our carers, the media, our culture or religious community which unknowingly committed such crime, leaving us emotionally disabled, confused, even numb. As a result of this repeated attack on our well-being the process of our emotional maturity has been halted and we became unable to look after ourselves. Incapable to support ourselves emotionally, to self-soothe, we became demanding and needy, placing unreaslistic expectations unto others. Finding our way into co-dependent relationships, our souls have enmeshed through pourous emotional boundaries and we have dissolved in our partner's pain.

By others separating us emotionally from our truth, we became incapable of creating authentic, meaningful connections with others too.

‘Stop crying! Why are you being like this? Pull yourself together please! People are looking, stop embarrassing yourself. You are pathetic! Oh come on don’t be a baby. Why are you so weak?!’ becomes an unrecognised part of our inner commentary when dealing with life’s difficulties. Becoming more concerned with how we are perceived by others than how we truly feel, renders us heavily loaded with sadness that has no release. Incapable of ever resolving our traumas in a healing way, similar to pounding metal under pressure, our sadness solidifies into anger and our unexpressed disappointment into hatred. The saltiness of our suppressed tears crystallises into bitterness towards life. Unexpressed energy then suffocates bodily functions, manifesting itself into the multiple aches and pains which makes our moods even more unpredictable. On an advice of a professional we take pills that distort our body chemistry and feelings further, leading to completely disconnecting from ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally.

Our eyes glazed over, our spirit had shrivelled deep within our numbed up shell because we were taught to hide from pain...

Disconnected from feeling, as a result of attempting to escape our lingering pain, we become the dangerous perpetrators, incapable of feeling others. Separated from our authentic core, perpetually assaulting ourselves and others, both internally and externaly, we aren't skillful in expressing love but anger and hatred. In a desperate attempt to protect what is left from us we are damaging ourselves even further.

Isn’t lifelessness scarier than experiencing life fully, having the correct tools for dealing with our challenging emotions?

The only way back to restoration, to connection and health, is to face your feelings, in time freely expressing what may come, leaving others and their opinions to themselves. Trust that your core is inherently good, that your emotions can lead you to healing by understanding your thoughts and the beliefs behind them. The process of breaking down your thoughts of powerlessness and inadequacy cannot start unless you allow your emotions to honestly speak up as loud and as long as they wish. Once you have acknowledged and understood your truth, you are in much better position to confidently protect it. By setting emotional boundaries without being ashamed of how you are feeling you will gain others' respect. Some might feel offended when their behaviour is challenged which is fine. Take it as a test of the strength of your love for yourself. Trust that those who truly care for you will show up as respectful and understanding. And why shouldn't they? You may encounter conflicts, but in the end this process may bring some clarity into your relationships for you to finally select those who will compliment your new tribe.

'Only I am in a position to say how I feel inside so please refrain from telling me otherwise. I don't need you to fix the situation - just be there for me. I need you to be comfortable with my pain, holding a space for me to safely express it.'

People may apologise or they may get resentful. In any case there is nothing wrong with feeling and expressing your truth exactly the way it is, even if those close to you don't understand. Because the only person who must validate it is ...

Read more on how to hold such space for yourself here.

Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.

Copyright © 2022 Michaela Patel


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