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  • Michaela Patel


The one who triggers you the most is your biggest teacher.

'Really!?' you ask in disbelief. 'How can someone who makes me so mad teach me something?'

Either you accept it or not, the truth is that he or she pushes your buttons by pointing to your Inner child wounding, the insecure Self, REPEATEDLY, giving you the opportunity to grow from a frequently REACTIVE child into a content and calm adult.

Know that for yor you to grab this OPPORTUNITY for growth, you do not need to be in a relationship with somone who makes you mad. It isn't necessary to expose your Inner Child to a repeated buttons pushing. Right the opposite!

You must create a safe space for yourself by creating firm boundaries with this person. Within those boundaries is your SACRED LAND perfect for your healing.

Firstly, you must take the bull by it's horns and accept what needs to change in YOU, so that you become less reactive, less upset and angry, when your buttons are pushed. Because at the end of the day you cannot control others, or prevent them from reacting to you, but you are the one who is solely responsible for your own reactions. The one who ALLOWS your buttons to be pushed, reacting the way you always do. They cannot be responsible for your reactions as much you aren't responsible for theirs.

Every time your anger rises, your boundary has been crossed. It is necessary to retrieve into a safe space, away from the one who pushed your buttons, where you can appropriately deal with this emotion, instead of discharging its energy destructively.

Ending a conversation, leaving a room, or limiting contact in extreme circumstances, are necessary to isolate our anger, so that we can use it in the correct direction: for the re-construction of our boundaries.

Shaming ourselves for becoming angry is as destructive as shaming others. By judging ourselves for getting angry we say 'It is not good to be angry.'

What isn't good is to be angry for PROLONGED periods - repeatedly, often. Which happens when we don't allow our anger to exist without judgement in the first place.

Stuck anger leads to rage, and as an erupting volcano causes mass destruction of our relationship, including the respect and love we have left for ourselves.

When we sober up from our rage, realising it's true damage, we cannot but feel resentful towards ourselves, often ashamed and guilty. Guilty because we went against ourselves by trashing our own (inner) boundaries, and with them the sense of Self we strive to be.

Our shame for feeling angry is acquired. 'I shouldn't get angry' we say being angry at ourselves. It comes from our childhood conditioning when we have been made ashamed for getting angry as children by our emotionally unaware carers. They, too, allowed their unhealthy ways of dealing with their anger to destroy their emotional wellbeing...

It is OK and healthy to get angry, and it simply means someone has crossed the limit of what we deem acceptable.

What is acceptable is very personal and individual for each and everyone of us. It depends on how have our boundaries been moulded by our upbringing and our previous relationships. Our past life experiences shape our comfort space - what we accept, and what we definitely don't. And for that we need our anger to alert us. Our anger is the guardian of our comfort zones. Why would we be even given the ability to get angry if it didn't serve us somehow? In the same way our tears help us to release our extreme sadness from our body without leaving it to linger, our anger's energy (if released constructively) will restore our sense of safety and inner peace.

When you allow your anger to exist, you will be in much better position to channel its healing and RE-BALANCING energies in the correct direction. You only have to practice changing your reactions!

At the start of our practice we might wake up after the volcano has already erupted. And it is ok. It is never too late to retrieve into safety, rewind the scene and decide what to do differently next time and at what point.

Any drama is a perfect opportunity for a self-reflection.

Become the detective reviewing the CCTV footage of your own actions.

Consider what could have happened if you have made a different decision at the start? How would you like to play it next time? Do you want to feel guilty or proud of yourself?

The pride and satisfaction you feel for being the better person, than you former Self, far exceeds the temporary satisfaction over the destruction you have caused to others.

You do this process of changing your reactionary Self once, twice, three times. Seeing its results you won't want to go back to out of control reacting because the satisfaction over hurting others suddenly feels like a cheap and temporary replacement for the true contentment of a wiser, truly powerful Being.

Thank you for reading. If my article contributed to understanding yourself, please be generous and share it with others.

Copyright © 2017 Michaela Patel

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